The Fishwhacker Swindle?: Mail bag

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Mail bag

The Fishwhacker Swindle is a month old tomorrow, and the deluge of fan mail is unstoppable. Below are some examples of the letters and emails I’ve received, and my replies, so you can get a flavour of the kind of gay banter with which I occupy myself.

Anonymous (f.eeter@eetmyfeet.co.uk) emails: Great, great blog! Will scoop the awards for 2006!

Thanks, whoever you are.

Mummy (footiesmater@squeers.com) emails: Yes, I second that.

Stop, you’re embarrassing me!

Barabas Knight from Vancouver writes: YOUR’E SITE SUX!!!

My site or my sight? Your spelling style makes this unclear. I have myopia, yes, though why that’s any of your business I don’t know.

Mike Moist from Dartford writes: Where were you last night? I waited for an hour in that toilet.

You make me sick to my stomach.

Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: you hairy twat

Wrong blog.

Mr Gryphon from Burnley writes: I read your blog every day, and am most gratified by the strong stand you take against Marxist-Leninism and homosexuality. The Internet needs such a bulwark against the red, homosexual tide of filth engulfing us.

Thanks, Mr G. Most people think Bolshevism and fudge-packing ended with the fall of the Wall and the death of Quentin Crisp respectively, but there are in fact dirty communists and gayers everywhere. Give me a ring and we’ll have a pint some time.

Mr Gryphon from Burnley writes: No thank you. In my experience relationships founded on respect falter at the introduction of intimacy.

Suit yourself, cuntbubble.

Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: you really got a phd and are gonna take over the world?

Wrong blog again. Tosser.

Gassed (lentilsoup@brrapp.com) emails: I don’t BELIEVE U R REALY a corps stuffer I think u r really Gorge BUsh cos u r so rihgt wing. u fuckin moon bat why? do u always writ about comunists and gayes like there not realy poeple. U moon bat

Right wing lunatics are wingnuts. Left wing lunatics are moonbats. Get your terminology right before contacting me again. In fact, get a lobotomy.

Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: why do you pretend to be a gorilla?

Email the wrong blog again and I’ll track you down and castrate you.

And a text message:

Hi George!!! Missed you at the cabinet briefing this morning!!!!! Where the F were you? Anyway Dick and Rummy say it’s all go for Operation Nukes 2 Iran! Speak soon. Condi xxx

# posted by Foot Eater @ 4:34 am

Comments:

quanten crips is dead? wtf?!

jesas! watl it be next?

um...

did u get to stuf im?

# posted by

HA HA HA : 11:37 am

I hate feet, as was noted in my very first entry http://averagetosser.blogspot.com/2005/11/everything-has-to-begin-somewhere.html , and anyone that eats them must be a depraved sicko, possessed by the spawn of satan. But on the plus side you make me larf.

Happy month-iversary, you twisted, disgusting pedivore!

# posted by

Binty McShae : 6:06 pm

Dr Evil: a pardon is being delivered to you by B-52 as I speak.

HHH: no, never had the pleasure. It would have been a challenge, I can tell you, all that leaking of fluid from the anus.

Binty: cheers for that. Feet are very useful to stop annoying ankle-fray, and they're delicious with couscous and HP sauce.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 8:37 pm

i got hate (e)mail within a week - can anyone beat this record?

# posted by

michael the tubthumper : 11:37 pm

i stil aint got hatemail one.

what am i doign worng?

# posted by

HA HA HA : 2:56 am

Yes, that does surprise me, Arlington. Perhaps the clowns don't have access to computers?

# posted by

Foot Eater : 3:07 am

Tell you what, Arlington Hynes. After your gratuitous sniping at us Brits over on your blog, and especially after I took the trouble to compose an entire post about how I don't like anti-American prejudice, you can give me your email address and I'll happily send you enough hate to make up for it.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 7:39 pm

I've yet to receive hate mail, and I'm goin on almost a year.

Sometimes people show me love in unique ways, but I'm a vanilla bean. Inoffensive, twisted, dried and imported for use in icecream.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 8:50 pm

SafeT, is that your Blunt Cogs image?

# posted by

Foot Eater : 9:50 pm