Thursday, January 19, 2006

 

Mail bag

The Fishwhacker Swindle is a month old tomorrow, and the deluge of fan mail is unstoppable. Below are some examples of the letters and emails I’ve received, and my replies, so you can get a flavour of the kind of gay banter with which I occupy myself.


Anonymous (f.eeter@eetmyfeet.co.uk) emails: Great, great blog! Will scoop the awards for 2006!

Thanks, whoever you are.



Mummy (footiesmater@squeers.com) emails: Yes, I second that.

Stop, you’re embarrassing me!



Barabas Knight from Vancouver writes: YOUR’E SITE SUX!!!

My site or my sight? Your spelling style makes this unclear. I have myopia, yes, though why that’s any of your business I don’t know.



Mike Moist from Dartford writes: Where were you last night? I waited for an hour in that toilet.

You make me sick to my stomach.



Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: you hairy twat

Wrong blog.



Mr Gryphon from Burnley writes: I read your blog every day, and am most gratified by the strong stand you take against Marxist-Leninism and homosexuality. The Internet needs such a bulwark against the red, homosexual tide of filth engulfing us.

Thanks, Mr G. Most people think Bolshevism and fudge-packing ended with the fall of the Wall and the death of Quentin Crisp respectively, but there are in fact dirty communists and gayers everywhere. Give me a ring and we’ll have a pint some time.



Mr Gryphon from Burnley writes: No thank you. In my experience relationships founded on respect falter at the introduction of intimacy.

Suit yourself, cuntbubble.



Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: you really got a phd and are gonna take over the world?

Wrong blog again. Tosser.



Gassed (lentilsoup@brrapp.com) emails: I don’t BELIEVE U R REALY a corps stuffer I think u r really Gorge BUsh cos u r so rihgt wing. u fuckin moon bat why? do u always writ about comunists and gayes like there not realy poeple. U moon bat

Right wing lunatics are wingnuts. Left wing lunatics are moonbats. Get your terminology right before contacting me again. In fact, get a lobotomy.



Pink Boy (denudedone@razor.co.za) emails: why do you pretend to be a gorilla?

Email the wrong blog again and I’ll track you down and castrate you.



And a text message:


Hi George!!! Missed you at the cabinet briefing this morning!!!!! Where the F were you? Anyway Dick and Rummy say it’s all go for Operation Nukes 2 Iran! Speak soon. Condi xxx

Comments:
Bravo George!

May I call you George? Howza about a pardon. Yes I know I tried to overthrow the government, but you have to understand that htey booted my car.
 
quanten crips is dead? wtf?!

jesas! watl it be next?

um...

did u get to stuf im?
 
I hate feet, as was noted in my very first entry http://averagetosser.blogspot.com/2005/11/everything-has-to-begin-somewhere.html , and anyone that eats them must be a depraved sicko, possessed by the spawn of satan. But on the plus side you make me larf.

Happy month-iversary, you twisted, disgusting pedivore!
 
Dr Evil: a pardon is being delivered to you by B-52 as I speak.

HHH: no, never had the pleasure. It would have been a challenge, I can tell you, all that leaking of fluid from the anus.

Binty: cheers for that. Feet are very useful to stop annoying ankle-fray, and they're delicious with couscous and HP sauce.
 
i got hate (e)mail within a week - can anyone beat this record?
 
i stil aint got hatemail one.

what am i doign worng?
 
Yes, that does surprise me, Arlington. Perhaps the clowns don't have access to computers?
 
Tell you what, Arlington Hynes. After your gratuitous sniping at us Brits over on your blog, and especially after I took the trouble to compose an entire post about how I don't like anti-American prejudice, you can give me your email address and I'll happily send you enough hate to make up for it.
 
I've yet to receive hate mail, and I'm goin on almost a year.

Sometimes people show me love in unique ways, but I'm a vanilla bean. Inoffensive, twisted, dried and imported for use in icecream.
 
SafeT, is that your Blunt Cogs image?
 
Excellent, love it! film editing schools
 
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