The Fishwhacker Swindle?: A meeting of minds

Saturday, February 03, 2007

A meeting of minds

'These Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks.'

Walking home from a public house the other night, having refreshed myself with a single pint of finest ale, I was accosted by a stumbling, malodorous denizen of the shadows. ‘Yer a good fuckin’ mate, pal,’ he asserted. ‘Can ya spare us a fuckin’ tenner f’ra cab?’ (For the benefit of my American readers: he was requesting funds to the value of ten pounds sterling to purchase the services of a local taxi driver. Despite the adjective, no sexual intercourse was being proposed.)

‘You’ll just spend it on more drink,’ I suggested; at which his bonhomie disappeared, to be replaced with a microcosmic representation of the ugly face of modern Britain. (No, I don’t mean this.)

‘F’fuck’s sake, just give us the tenner.’

I remained immovable; a point of principle was at stake, plus I had no money on me. Instead of knifing me he began to stagger away, muttering, ‘Yer a stupid bastard.’

Quick as a flash, I retorted with an adaptation of my favourite Churchillism: ‘And you’re drunk, but at least you’ll be sober in the morning.’

It hung between us for a beat; then he said, ‘I rest my case,’ laughed raucously and weaved away into the night.

# posted by Foot Eater @ 2:18 am

Comments:

a microcosmic representation of the ugly face of modern Britain. (No, I don’t mean this.)

Ah; then perhaps you meant this?

# posted by

Philip : 3:40 am

As a stereotype I often get cast into the role of the drunken agressive panhandler.
I commend you for not taking the easy option thought Lady Astor wouldn't be too pleased you fucking toff.

As george Clooney said about the Africans, "if we stop feeding them they just don't go away".

# posted by

Old Knudsen : 3:42 am

Philip: this is a family site and I'll thank you not to post links to your dirty pictures here.

By the way, in response to your snide comment about my grammar and/or typing in the comments to my last post but one (when I said for Christ's sakes: did you not know that Jesus was a purveyor of more than one type of Japanese rice wine?

Aah. I feel so much better after that, and rather self-congratulatory to boot.

Mr Knudsen: he wasn't so much a panhandler as a good friend of mine. Was that not clear from what I wrote?

Clooney also said 'you've got about ten fucking seconds to live,' but that was in From Dusk Till Dawn.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 4:03 am

Aah. I feel so much better after that, and rather self-congratulatory to boot.

Despite the missing bracket in the preceding paragraph.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 4:04 am

did you not know that Jesus was a purveyor of more than one type of Japanese rice wine?

Naturally; but unlike some, I can distinguish sakes from sakés.

# posted by

Philip : 4:09 am

Oh, for Christ's vodka.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 4:10 am

I always had Christ pegged as a rum man on account of all his mates being fishermen.

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 11:19 pm

Like me Jesus had fuck all grammar and punctuation and he was the King of beers.

I feel so much better after that.

# posted by

Old Knudsen : 5:23 am

a stumbling, malodorous denizen of the shadows

Nice turn of phrase

# posted by

Kim Ayres : 9:41 am

I was once duped by a dirty tramp in (surprise, surprise) Liverpool. He asked me for 50p for a cup of tea, which I gave him. Then he demanded that I buy him the tea in addition to giving him the 50p. How he must have regretted his poor choice of a "mark" as I elbowed him in the face and kicked him in the balls. I let him keep the 50p though as he probably needed a brew after all that.

# posted by

Eddie Waring : 9:45 am

Reminds me of that Simpsons episode when Mr Burns can't wrest the candy from wee baby Maggie.

"Gah, beaten by an infant."

# posted by

Kav : 6:16 pm