Monday, January 01, 2007


Stick with me, kid, and you'll wear diamonds

This is it. This year, 2007, is the one in which I make my fortune, jettison the rat-race and get stinking rich. Look at some of these ideas.

1. People like to read in the bath, yes? But more people shower nowadays than have baths, because of time constraints in this frenetic world we live in. So the time has come for waterproof books and newspapers, to be enjoyed in the shower. A spin-off product could be a stand on which to prop the reading material of choice so that you can wash your genitals and other parts while perusing.

2. If the Pythons can rehash The Holy Grail as Spamalot and have a hit, then I’m damned if I’m going to miss out. Reservoir Dogs: we’ve all seen it, we’ve all loved it. It’s time for the ballet.

3. Non-illegal hashish. There’s got to be a way to do it.

4. Nanobot gargle. Swill a throatful around your pharynx and microscopic robots clean your glottis, your teeth and your tongue, leaving them all sparkling with minty-fresh goodness.

5. Naffness-detecting software. It erases poorly-conceived humour as you type it into your blog and replaces it with cutting wit.

6. Men! Ever catch your John Thomas in your zip, or slam your nads against a bicycle seat? We’ve all done it. New, silky BulgeGard, made from supple Kevlar, fits snugly around your meat-and-two-veg and shields them from injury (up to and including nuclear attack) while preserving those woman-enticing contours so you can even wear it under your Speedo on the beach.

7. Like you, I’m sure, I’ve always wanted to swing a chainsaw around in a crowded shopping centre without ending up in prison for it. How about a non-injurious chainsaw? Or, failing that, foolproof fake ID that allows you to pose as a government agent and thereby avoid charges of any kind?

8. Twat-zapper. Not a sex toy, this, but rather a remote device that delivers an extremely painful electric shock to the anus of the BBC’s executive directors every time I turn on the telly and despair at what’s on.

9. Graffiti-repelling front-door paint, so that I don’t have to wake up every morning with the word Wanker adorning the portal to my home.

10. Tiny garden landmines that can be triggered only by creatures the size of moles. They would get rid of the squirrels and cats too.

I need capital, though. Let me know if you’re interested, and please be assured that I will use your credit card details responsibly. We can do this, people.

Happy New Year.

Why stop at moles? In our ever more crowded and urbanised world, fewer and fewer people have gardens, and mole and squirrel damage is the stuff of wistful tales to be told to the brats of whatever Sainsbury's cashier one happens to be cooped up with at the moment. May I suggest that windowbox mines might be more to the scale of the problem - suitable for destroying small insects, cigarette butts, the inevitable soil leakage whenever you water the thing, and if you want to think really sizeable, perhaps even the plants themselves. The windowboxes could then be replaced by decorative and tasteful half-bricks, which could perhaps be packaged with the explosives as "All You Need To Till Your Sill"® or something of the sort, and which would require minimal watering and less conversation.
You've posted from the future. I'm impressed.
For years now I've tried to get funding for fire retardant flags to sell in the middle east or slow burning flags so that special moment is caught by the media but the world isn't ready for genius, well that isn't the exact answer I get.
If you can create a repellent substance for your front door, I'm sure thge same stuff could be applied to the magazines for your shower.

Happy New Year Foot Eater :)
Happy New Year Footy

I'm clearly chasing Kim around at the moment. He's beating me to every bloggers front door. Was it him who sprayed the word 'wanker'?

Surely not. If not, who was it?
Happy New Year Footie, I hope you and your good lady wife have a very excellent one.
I also find it rather difficult to believe that any BBC executive has an anus.
It will serve people right for getting soap in their eyes, trying to read in the shower.

Looking forward to the production of Reservoir Dogs: The Ballet. The show stopper will still have to be "Stuck in the Middle with You."
Philip: reading between the lines, I assume that you are cooped up with a Sainsbury's cashier parent and that you've had problems with insects and cigarette butts. Quite the detective, aren't I?

HB: no, you posted from the past.

Mr Knudsen: come up with stretch-retardant dictator neckgear and I reckon you'll be in business.

Kim: good idea, hadn't thought of that. Then again, most of the magazines I read are rather repellent, or so I'm told by customs officers.

Dr McC: yes, you might be right. I always knew he had a dark side.

FMC: thanks, you too. But good lady wife? I suppose one out of three isn't bad.

No, I shouldn't have said that.

Philip: no shit.

Sassy: as it happens, I took my wife to the ballet last week as a Christmas present. Alice In Wonderland, it was, and it nearly had a decapitation scene.
My fave is the nanobot gargle. I would also like a permanent colony of low-lying nanobot shampoo.
They could carefully incinerate any dirt, parasites or dander particles and wad them up into small lumps behind my earlobes for removal at my convenience.
Can you arrange that for me?
I'll go crawl under my rock again...
I'm working on rolling-out production of miniature robotic Princess Dianas. The yanks'll love em, and I'm thinking they'll make a great accessory to your garden land mines.

Your website is extremely helpful.
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