Saturday, July 07, 2007
Me! Me! Meme!
Philip Challinor has stung me with one of these things, just like a bee, except Philip hasn't died, I assume. I'm required to come up with eight items of autobiographical trivia. I usually resist doing these things because I can never think of anything amusing to make up, but this time I thought I'd just tell the truth for a change.
1. Being Welsh, I used to ride to school on a sheep.
2. I went to school down a coal mine.
3. I have oculus inversus, a rare condition in which my right eyeball is in the left socket and vice versa.
4. On my tenth birthday my father made me sing an assortment of Nye Bevan's speeches set to the tunes of sixth century Celtic war chants. If the volume of my singing dropped below a certain level he threw legs of mutton at me.
5. I was once bitten by a snake and hospitalised. While my delirium was real, the snake proved to be a rubber replica of the sort that can be purchased in any high street toyshop. The hospital was a model and the doctor who treated me was also false.
6. Since the age of thirty I have had more hair on my palms than on my face.
7. I cannot eat more than two Weetabix at a sitting without vomiting blood.
8. For over a year I have had troubling visions of a life without blogging, a life that is rich, fulfilling and meaningful. These visions are becoming less frequent, thank God.
I gather I now have to 'tag' people, so I'll make it Hungbunny (because there's no way he'll do this), Sam, Philip (nobody said you can't tag people back), Kieran, Garth Marenghi and Eddie Waring.
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"1. Being Welsh, I used to ride to school on a sheep."
So, a sheep gave you the ride?
"7. I cannot eat more than two Weetabix at a sitting without vomiting blood."
I give you the lie, sir. Everyone knows that Wheetabix makes you shit blood, not vomit it.
So, a sheep gave you the ride?
"7. I cannot eat more than two Weetabix at a sitting without vomiting blood."
I give you the lie, sir. Everyone knows that Wheetabix makes you shit blood, not vomit it.
FS: can't say I care for your snide tone. My sheep friends meant a lot to me and I learned everything I needed to know about being a man from them.
Philip: that reminds me of a joke we used to tell at medical school, about sitting on textbooks and learning by arse-mosis (osmosis). We were possessed of sophisticated wit to rival Dorothy Parker, I tell you.
Mr Knudsen: that's not all Dad did with those legs of mutton. They're not called rams for nothing.
Philip: that reminds me of a joke we used to tell at medical school, about sitting on textbooks and learning by arse-mosis (osmosis). We were possessed of sophisticated wit to rival Dorothy Parker, I tell you.
Mr Knudsen: that's not all Dad did with those legs of mutton. They're not called rams for nothing.
Damn you Foot Eater! I swore that I would never participate in one of these things under the belief that I would never be tagged for one. Now that I have been, it would be rude not to, so I will.
By the way, nice work with the anagram. I kicked the idea around a few months ago and despite the personal amusement it gave me, it just seemed to cause confusion amongst the readership so I stopped it.
By the way, nice work with the anagram. I kicked the idea around a few months ago and despite the personal amusement it gave me, it just seemed to cause confusion amongst the readership so I stopped it.
What an astonishing coincidence on the oculis inversus condition!! I had not thought to meet another of my kind. For almost all my bilateral bits are reversed too! With complications. Oh I could weep in recognition...who am I trying to kid, I'm weeping already - all these years of being brave on my own...
So let's chat. I have the oculis inversus too, obviously but it's only really a problem when I'm reading. I have to read from right to left but the brain - isn't the brain remarkable? - compensates and the happy result is that even plot flaws as large as the ones in The Da Vinci Code completely passed me by.
More terribly - and noticeably, I'm afraid - I have arsus elbowus inversion to the third degree, my inner foot bits are all outer and my ears are on back to front meaning I can only hear conversations occurring behind my back. This is a cruel twist of nature as, due to my afflictions, many many people talk behind my back' I hear every word.
But I grew strong, and I learned how to get along. And I'm having a bosom reversal operation in the fall! No more crude workmen headlamp realignment jokes - only think of it! The things the doctors can do these days! I've said it before and I'll say it again, we all complain about the NHS but where would we be without it, eh? Who else wouldn't smirk when you complain of your chronic repolarising ovaries setting up a magnetic field right in your abdomen and sending thrilling electric charges all over... um...the place. Actually, I've opted not to have that last thing fixed.
But, ocularis inversus, eh? Another one. Is two people enough to get funding for a support group d'you think?
So let's chat. I have the oculis inversus too, obviously but it's only really a problem when I'm reading. I have to read from right to left but the brain - isn't the brain remarkable? - compensates and the happy result is that even plot flaws as large as the ones in The Da Vinci Code completely passed me by.
More terribly - and noticeably, I'm afraid - I have arsus elbowus inversion to the third degree, my inner foot bits are all outer and my ears are on back to front meaning I can only hear conversations occurring behind my back. This is a cruel twist of nature as, due to my afflictions, many many people talk behind my back' I hear every word.
But I grew strong, and I learned how to get along. And I'm having a bosom reversal operation in the fall! No more crude workmen headlamp realignment jokes - only think of it! The things the doctors can do these days! I've said it before and I'll say it again, we all complain about the NHS but where would we be without it, eh? Who else wouldn't smirk when you complain of your chronic repolarising ovaries setting up a magnetic field right in your abdomen and sending thrilling electric charges all over... um...the place. Actually, I've opted not to have that last thing fixed.
But, ocularis inversus, eh? Another one. Is two people enough to get funding for a support group d'you think?
Whassa wheetabix -to lazy to wiki
"On my tenth birthday my father made me sing an assortment of Nye Bevan's speeches set to the tunes of sixth century Celtic war chants. If the volume of my singing dropped below a certain level he threw legs of mutton at me."
This happened to me as well, although it was:
my twelfth birthday
my mother
excerpts from Thus Spake Zarathustra
cans of beer and cigarette butts.
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"On my tenth birthday my father made me sing an assortment of Nye Bevan's speeches set to the tunes of sixth century Celtic war chants. If the volume of my singing dropped below a certain level he threw legs of mutton at me."
This happened to me as well, although it was:
my twelfth birthday
my mother
excerpts from Thus Spake Zarathustra
cans of beer and cigarette butts.
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