Saturday, May 05, 2007

 

Mailbollocks


I return to the internet from a much-needed break in reality to find my mailbox bulging. What's wrong with you people? Don't you have lives?

Here's a sample of the drivel I've felt compelled to plough through for the sake of politeness.



thickasasnail@witless.com writes:


Dear Foot Eater

Where have you been?



Didn't you bother reading my post of 20 December 2006?




Genghis Khan's Fridge (don't you just love wacky, 'surreal' names, they're sooo original) writes:


Dear Foot Eater

Your a guy who nose how to pull the hot chicks. can you give me some advise about how to pull hot chicks cos i dont get any dates?



Sorry, Mr Fridge, I'm afraid I can't help you there. I gave up dating because I was fed up with having to get the Mace out of my eyes every time.




**n** Mc**** writes:


Dear Footsie

Although I come across on my blog as all liberal and PC and that, I have a recurring fantasy of you dressed in the uniform of the captain of an SS Panzer division. Might you consider dressing up like this and sending me a photo? Ta mate.



Do you take me Fuhrer pervert? (I crack myself up sometimes, I really do.)




O*d Knu*se* writes:


Ye bastard. Ye're nothing but a Sassenach bastard, ye bastard, ye. Ye bastard.



Not quite sure what your point is, Mr K, but thanks anyway, and I hope the stitches come out soon.




fudgetunnel@uphillgardeners.co.uk writes:


Dear Feater

You're obviously a man of impeccable taste and profound wisdom. What should I stick on my iPod for my forthcoming trip to New York City?



Fudge, I'd recommend Blondie, Lou Reed, Television, Talking Heads, Ramones and the New York Dolls.




Mr Charles Strange writes:


Dear Mr Eater

You are quite clearly extremely well read and highly literate. I wonder if you'd care to comment on a matter that has been vexing my friends and me for some time now. In The Guermantes Way, the third volume of Proust's A la recherche du temps perdu, the behaviour of the narrator appears to foreshadow that of another later modernist protagonist. I believe that this person is Joyce's Leopold Bloom but my friends insist it is Woolf's Mrs Dalloway. Your thoughts?



Sorry, Mr Strange, I didn't follow any of that. Are there tits in this book of yours?




bonedomedchav@neander.co.uk writes:


yeh foot eater you tell im! whose he fink he is wiv all his ponsing about. yer a man of the peopel just like us. only fing is, why dont you sware as much as you used, i liked that, it was well wiked.



Remove your foetid presence from my consciousness at once, you revolting plebeian.

Comments:
Hey, if you get around to the nazi rollplaying thing, can I get a snapshot as well?
Only for mine, if you could be wearing a set of oversized briefs bunched up around your jackboots I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance! -SafeT

(p.s., Arth's put a 'toon up)
 
Sorry. I didn't mean to suggest you were a panzer. However, I'm hurt by the heily mocking tone in your post. I trusted you to be a little more indiskraut, FootEater.
 
Matt Damon.
 
Hey footeater ya bastard that was personal correspondence I don't want people thinking we're chums as that exert clearly shows, ya Sassenach hemorrhoid licker. Why don't ya do a post about the greatest film ever made?
 
I notice you didn't print my letter blackmailing you for naked pictures of Philip. I take it the deal's still going through, then?
 
You libellous cunt!

**n** Mc****
 
Dear Foot,

Your mailbox isn't the only thing that's bulging.

Big love,

Hung.
 
SafeT: my briefs are necessarily oversized to fit the front contents. Will check out that cartoon, and the rest of your blogs, forthwith.

**n**: can you Nazi the wit in the post?

Matt Damon: eh?

Mr Knudsen: because the greatest film ever made is Debbie Does Dallas and this is not that sort of site.

Fat Sparrow: please, this is a family site. I'll thank you not to mention such upsetting things.

Binty: oh, you hought I meant... no, I was trying to protect the identity of my old friend Henry McCann.

Hungbunny: now that's the kind of email I welcome. Put on some Robbie Williams, Hung, I'll be right over with a KFC Bargain Bucket.
 
Matt Damon.
 
Foot:Don't bother if you haven't. The desolation is noticeable, and my disconsolation is exaggerated.*

* In that I overstate it by quite a bit.
 
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