Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Day of reckoning

Back in February last year I presented in lightly fictionalised form what I considered a watertight case supporting the notion that El Barbudo and Kim Ayres were one and the same person. I made the profound mistake of putting it to the popular vote, and lo and behold, you the people got the answer wrong. Once again, democracy proved itself a failed system. Since then I’ve been doing some sleuthing – the details needn’t concern you; suffice it to say there were hidden webcams involved, as well as confidential technologies kindly and unwittingly lent to me by Interpol and the National Security Agency – and I can now reveal the definitive guide to who’s really who on my link list. This time there’s no vote.

Starting with the Emerald Bile: Noreen is really Fat Sparrow. ‘They’re’ ‘both’ wives and mothers with an attitude and ‘they’ ‘both’ swear a lot. Cunningly, they link each other on their sites to try and throw me off the scent. But it didn’t work. Ball Bag, on the other hand, is really Harry Hutton. There’s no evidence, I just know. Dr Maroon is really Gorilla Bananas. Not only does the crafty blighter assume another species as cover, he also employs two very different writing styles: slick and straightforward as Bananas, elliptical and slightly deranged in his Maroon guise. Dr Joseph McCrumble is the third identity of this troubled being and his style sits somewhere in between the other two. Arlington Hynes (Bogol/HA HA HA) is a tough one to finger, I must admit. There’s really nothing like him. However, his collaborator Helen Harridon is clearly Noreen/Fat Sparrow with cleaned-up language, so that would probably make Arlington Ball Bag, aka Harry Hutton. Harry has lavished fulsome praise on Arlington in the past and this is exactly the kind of self-aggrandisement one would expect from a blogger, so, yes, I reckon I’ve got this one right. As always. El Barbudo is Kim Ayres is Jokemail, that’s easy. He’s probably the Anti-Barney too, as he’s gone to ground. And let’s throw in Dr E. Scientist for the same reason (plus he’s got a beard). Which of these five people is real and which are fakes is anybody’s guess. Probably all, or none, or somewhere in between, or vice versa. Philip Challinor’s another slippery customer. I used to think he was Noreen and that he got some sort of perverse thrill out of correcting his own spelling and grammar in the comments, but I now believe he’s far weirder than that. His gravatar is ancient, decrepit and wrinkly… does that suggest anyone to you? Yes? Old Knudsen, perhaps? Brewski and Binty McShae are both Brits who live in the Far East (yes, I know Brewski claims he’s moved) and drink heavily – by their own admission, don’t shoot the messenger - so no difficulty there.

Most of the rest are who they say they are. The ladies generally tell the truth: Lindy, Sam, FMC, Sarah, Boudica, SheBah and Andraste are themselves and no-one else. Kav and Kieran are, natch, one and the same person, and are probably Jagd Kunst too. Hungbunny admits he lives in South London and nobody would do that - the living there or the admitting - even in the guise of someone else, so he’s unique. SafeTinspector and the intolerable Monstee are quite clearly anomalies, brown crusts clinging to the bowl after the filthy swirl that is the sentient being collective has disappeared down that great S-bend in the sky. Ivan the Terrible chickened out of blogging ages ago and shouldn’t even be on the list but I’m too lazy to remove him. Eddie Waring might be Ivan in a new shirt, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

Which leaves yours truly, dear reader. No word of a lie – I appear in that sidebar. Can you work out who I am?

"Which leaves yours truly, dear reader. No word of a lie – I appear in that sidebar. Can you work out who I am?"

You're me, of course. Then again, I'm either my sister or my mother; I'm not sure which.
I'm a brown crust?!?
Ah, I'd thought I was at least the tank-sweat on the toilette of life. Its clear I've fallen a bit in your estimation, and for that I can only aspire to ascending toward the lip once more.

So who are you, man? My independant research leads me to conclude you are a sophisticated personality simulator which has been left running after your author, a cunning computer science post grad with a love of life and drink, was killed in a catalog sales accident.
Do you deny it?
I have you doon as several people. Spartacus, Lord Lucan or Old Knudsen, I'll check yer ISP and get back to ya.
I am the alpha and the omega.

I always thought you were David Cameron.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SafeT - I will never Glade Fresh my loos again if you are as Footie described.

I think Foot eater is really Thumb Sucker! You're my daughter aren't you!! All the evidence is there - the long hours spent in your room "colouring in" with your Little Caterpillar computer just feet away; the cannibalistic tendencies on your own thumb; the dark sense of humour and refusal to eat brussel sprouts.

Oh and remember the crayon in mummy's Newsweek incident? That will cost you your Saturday lollipop, young lady...
Omigoodlyod! You're never the Archbishop of Canterbury, are you?
I rather think Bogol might like you to finger him, Footie.
I have the greatest admiration for anyone who can sustain just one blog, so if your dastardly claims are true we have some amazing dudes about.
You're a cheeky bastard Eater. Me and Bananas...one is slick and funny, and the other is Maroon.
What a fucking liberty.
How very dare you.
FS: stop thinking when I'm trying to talk... er, I mean

SafeT: don't be daft, that was a compliment to you (and Monstee, God knows why). You're the tenacious, independent-minded hangers-on while the rest of us (well, not me, of course) are swept down the pan like a pool of microbial toilet-dwelling sheep. I hope that's clarified things.

Old Knudsen/myself: yes, what I/you said.

Kieran: that's as offensive as the Jewish blood libel. Pistols at dawn, and bring your seconds, sirrah.

Mamout: not David Mamet, the playwright? I love your stuff, especially Glengarry Glen Ross. How about a beer some time?

Sam: goo glah jooble wargle BLEEEEURGHHHHH

Oh, and the Archbishop is El Barbudo, as I revealed in a limerick once.

FMC: or fnegr him, more likely. Sorry about neglecting you lately, by the way; will be right back.

SheBah: one of the great tragedies of our age is that you don't go balls-out with your blog, or whatever the female equivalent is.

Maroon: did I say 'slick'? Sorry, hit the L key by mistake; it's right next to the S. And you started it by having a go at prop-I mean medical doctors. Though I suspect this is all really about Cambridge vs UCL.
You're Sitemeter! I knew it all along!
Shite meter more like
Kim: HAHAHAHAH! I knew there was a reason for all the friggin' porn search hits.
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