Thursday, February 22, 2007


The worst and the best jokes I've ever heard

The Worst

Redneck 1: What's a yet?

Redneck 2: You mean a yeti?

Redneck 1: No, a yet. Like it says here in the paper, 'A woman was shot and doctors haven't removed the bullet from her yet.'

The Best

Paul McCartney is being interviewed in the wake of his recent divorce.

Interviewer: Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?

Sir Paul: No I don't, and please refer to her as Heather.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Were the doctors men?

Men never know where the yet is.
How about the guy who collapsed in the curry house?

Docs told his wife that he'd fallen into a korma.
I was here ( and the talk was of restrooms and poo and the like. And I made up mine very own joke. I did and, my God, it's a splendid one. Kav and fmc will like it for sure. Behold...

In Ireland there are no #2s. People progress from #1s straight to #3s 'cos "dat's de turd ting, y'see".


I know. There's no need to try and express your admiration; it would just make me feel uncomfortable and you, comedically inadequate. I'll just accept your silence as praise enough. (Thinks: God, I'm so flippin' gracious, me. I can hardly stand it.)
Kav and Binty: if those are your best jokes I'm dreadingyour worst.

Sam: give up the day job, you're a natural. In similar vein:

Sean and Mick are walking through the woods and see an advert pinned to a tree which reads: 'Tree fellers wanted'.

Paddy turns to Mick and says, ''Tis a shame Billy isn't here or we'd get the job.'
My favourite was actually a cartoon where a guy was slouched on a bar with several empty glasses in front of him, talking to the barman. He said, "I've had a bloody awful day. First my wife tells me she's a lesbian, then she says I can't watch them at it!"

Ah, that's my kind of humour.

As for the worst, it has to be one that a flatmate of mine used to go on about all the time.

A horse walks into a pub and the barman says "Why the long face?"
You elitist, superior, legist bastard, you think you're so funny, I was going to ignore this but no I couldn't , Foot Eater walks into a bar and says "A babycham barkeep at once my good man."

Its not a joke I just wanted to point out what a two legged cunt you are.
Feeling inadequate in the reproduction department, Footeater prayed to God to make his dick reach the floor. There was a flash of light and the cunt's legs fell off.
I was going to reply but I don't believe in beating the bishop in public.
What? You cause me to doubt your sanity.
Well, you don't give me any reason to STOP doubting, that is.
Shebah said:
A white horse was sitting at the bar enjoying a beer. Drunken, chatty fella sat down on the stool next to him and said "Do you know there is a drink named after you?!

The White Horse replied "Wot, Eric?!
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