The Fishwhacker Swindle?: Confessional

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Confessional

I’m having a garden furniture coffee morning. Such a day one can almost taste as honey on one’s tongue. A noteworthy addition to the encyclopaedia pantheon is the recent All-Universe Almanac by Laertes. Fucking bareback is inadvisable in midwinter because of the possibility of knob frostbite. Liar! screamed the hen woman as she mutilated the screaming monkey-puzzle trees. As a screenwash aficionado Peter rumbled the bicycle through the chemistry railings. I bought guavas, kiwi fruits and a fossil trepanner. Don’t let windows break slowly because when the payback comes, it will be with the fury of seven hells. Really warm dogs are a joy to nuzzle as long as they don’t smell. Stuff happens or shit happens? Corpses claw their way from the foetid earth on the final day of reckoning. For want of a nail, Rome wasn’t burned in a day. A great way to spend your holiday afternoon is pegging bollards on tree socks. Living this way makes me smug and sad. Email frightens doves and pigs when they first encounter it. Me, I've never really liked the sky; it's too high up. If one more world is discovered the universe will invert. You don't believe any of this, do you? Get a life, get a hold, get a grip. This is the end, till the next post. Message over.

Update!

Dr Maroon is a crafty devil.

Update!

FatMammyCat is with the programme.

Update!

Binty joins the ranks of the codebreakers.

Update!

And so does Philip Challinor.

Update!

Sam the ProblemChildBride too.

# posted by Foot Eater @ 11:42 pm

Comments:

Did Brewski rob the keys to your blog?

# posted by

the anti-barney : 12:01 am

God is in the details, or the devil is in the details?

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 1:51 am

Or are you in the details, Mr. Eater?

By the way, it was a full day after that anagram thing, before I could look at a simple three word phrase without re-arranging it into something obscene. I think blog world is corrupting me. I used to be pure as the driven snow.

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 1:55 am

Wow, thanks for starting off my Sunday morning on such a strange note... it really helped me sort out the financial paperwork I was delaying...

# posted by

LindyK : 4:23 am

So, about the photo - are you the big dark-haired dim-looking one or the little blond irritating one? If I were more optimistic I might assume they were customers of yours at the morgue; but I doubt life is so kind.

# posted by

Philip : 5:19 am

Message received and understood. The elderly have more in common with the very young than any other appliance. Swine am the smartest of all barnyard animals, but they don't blog about it. The three most common spices am salt, pepper and phenylethylamine. Skipping over really long comments implies you're gay. Operation "kill everyone on the list" am a go. Kate Winslet, Rachel Weisz, Kate Beckinsale, Emily Watson, Helena Bonham Carter were all grown from the same petri dish. The Horse and Groom was the last pub to ever be called "the place to be." Why has a popular 70s comedy show like "The Goodies" never been repeated on British TV? The difference between chickens and penguins am purely cultural. The songs recorded by "The Vapors" were all inspired by the bible. A rubber monument was unveiled celebrating the typewriter. Acorns in an owls digestive tract can be removed and boiled to make rocket fuel. There am no sign of a luggage dressmaker ever making dresses for ladies bags in the future. Our greatest minds continue to seek a direct relation between poppycock, balderdash, piffle & tommyrot. Further comments not withstanding, comment terminus.

# posted by

Monstee : 8:58 am

god damned pansy.

# posted by

sarah : 3:42 pm

Fucking David Lynch land all over again, if there are any backwards talking midgets I'm outta here.

# posted by

fatmammycat : 7:41 pm

Sam came closest to the truth with her third comment. There's meaning in this post, for those who are bored enough to look for it; and a clue in the title.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 9:36 pm

Her second comment, I mean.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 11:56 pm

Are these life-lessons gathered, ironically, from the morgue, Mr. Eater? Are they first thoughts or last thoughts of the days?

They can't all be anagrams. Can they? Are they? Are they crossword clues you're fond of?

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 9:50 am

I don't have the mental stuff to navigate your maze of anagrammatic horrors.
I choose to assume this is an exercise in non-sequiter; my stock in trade!

Pants are not what you have left when Nixon is faxed to Guatemala.
A whir is better than a whip, unless you got problems with trans-fatty acids.
I found out yesterday that my great grandfather was a parallellogram, and that my gramma can't spell for shit.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 2:12 pm

Damn! I give up. I'm baffled. I don't have a Scooby what you're talking about.

Just by the by, is your name Colin?

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 2:28 pm

No anagrams, Sam and SafeT. Just a coded message.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 5:21 pm

Why should I email you? You would then have my address. I told you, only Kim has that.
I am smug.

# posted by

Dr Maroon : 7:17 pm

Oh, as an expert on ambiguity, the message is fundamentaly contradictory and I shall therefore treat it as such.

# posted by

Dr Maroon : 7:22 pm

Very clever, Maroon.

I can see how it might appear contradictory but I think on balance the conjunction 'as' suggests it isn't. If I'd said 'and', then perhaps.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 7:38 pm

I disagree.
I have just been struck by the possibility that you may do it for fun! Ooh-er.

# posted by

Dr Maroon : 7:51 pm

I fuckin' hate cryptic messages and if all this means that you are going off into the sunset,holding hands with el Barbudo,well fuck off and say so.

# posted by

the anti-barney : 8:11 pm

I'm not going anywhere, AB.

Oh, and Sam, sorry for not replying earlier to your query. No, I'm not Colin, though I did once know one.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 8:13 pm

I got the message. What the dog said. A fine day indeed. Load up the bus Fanny. Wank that pig, Jester.

# posted by

fatmammycat : 3:11 am

....i give up.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 6:49 am

Bolloks, just stick 'of' in there. I can't be arsed doing it.

# posted by

fatmammycat : 7:23 am

SafeT, it's simple. Just multiply together the number of vowels in the piece and divide by the square root of the sum of the punctuation marks. The answer to the mystery of existence will be there for your enrichment.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 9:24 pm

Beat me with some spliced bamboo and fuck off while you're about it.

# posted by

Brewski : 1:16 am

Don't tempt him Brewski... he would, and he'd get off on it!

# posted by

Binty McShae : 9:46 am

I was too dim to solve this one by myself, but fatmammycay showed me the way. Cheers fmc!

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 5:11 am

So Footie, what do you do then?

# posted by

SheBah : 6:09 pm

Professional bullshitter, SB.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 8:30 pm

I am disappointed in you. Never seen such a load of horseshit in my life. Thought you might be a cunt, but now I know. You ARE a cunt - a massive cunt.Were I a more charitable person, I might have been able to let this ridiculous pastime go. Yawny yawn. Yawny yawnn. Cunt cunt. Cunt cunt

# posted by

Emerald Bile : 12:27 am

So we're still on for tomorrow night, then, Noreen?

# posted by

Foot Eater : 1:14 am