The Fishwhacker Swindle?

WheeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Thank you, thank you, Dave. And thank you all for coming out tonight.

I became a member of The Swansea Optimists’ Club a while ago. Last night I was expelled because when the chairman said, “Are we all going to be positive?” I yelled, “We’re all going to, Dai!”

Barrrrrrroom – tish!


Thank you.

Political correctness has gone mad, I tell you. I got evicted last week for installing a skylight… without planning permission. What?… yes, boo, exactly. Bloody council. And you know who’d reported me? The people in the flat upstairs.

Badoom badoom – tish!




I was going into a shop the other day when I saw a beggar by the door. I said, “Get a job!” She said, “I have Alzheimer’s.” Stricken with remorse, I reached into my pocket but realised I had no change. I told her, “Remind me on my way out.”

Tarrrrrrr-rump! Ti – (sssh)




No?


cock! ha ha ha haaaa burp



......I gave my two sons enough money to buy their own farm, on the condition that I got to choose the name of the place. They spent it wisely and reared beef cattle. One day I was talking to an old friend and I told him I’d named the farm Focal Point. “Why Focal Point?” he asked.

“Because that’s where the sons raise meat.”


Tarrrrrrrrrr-rump

Think about it -

- badoom badump tissshhhhrrrrrtish!!!


Guys… guys. That’s too much.



boooooo get offhoooooooyousuckboooooooocuntwankertsssssssssssssssOOOOOOOOOOOOOOsssssssss



…………………………





What?



What the fuck is the matter with you people?


Wanker!


WHAT?



stupid fuckhole



OKAY, YOU FUCKERS, YOU FUCKING CLEVER LONDON TYPES. OOOH, I'M SO TRENDY AND SO CLEVER IN MY ISSY MIYAKI SHIRT AND MY MARC JACOBS SHOES AND I THINK TONIGHT I'LL GO OUT TO A CLUB AND TAKE THE PISS OUT OF A STUPID STAND-UP COMIC WHO ACTUALLY WORKS FOR A LIVING. HERE’S A FUCKING JOKE YOU'LL LIKE. PITCHED AT YOUR LEVEL, I THINK.

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB WITH A DWARF UNDER ONE ARM AND A FLAMINGO UNDER THE OTHER. HE ORDERS A PINT FOR HIMSELF AND ONE FOR THE DWARF. THE LANDLORD SAYS, THAT’LL BE SIX FIFTY PLEASE. THE DWARF SAYS, FUCKING HELL, THAT’S EXPENSIVE.

ONCE THEY’VE NECKED THEIR PINTS THE MAN SAYS, YOUR ROUND. THE DWARF SAYS, FUCK THAT. I’M NOT FORKING OVER SIX QUID PLUS FOR TWO FUCKING PINTS. YOU MUST THINK I’M FUCKING MENTAL. YOU BUY THE NEXT FUCKING ROUND IF YOU’RE SO DESPERATE.

THE DWARF STORMS OFF FOR A PISS. THE LANDLORD LEANS OVER AND SAYS TO THE MAN, SORRY FOR BEING NOSEY, BUT WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THIS DWARF AND FLAMINGO AND ALL? THE MAN SAYS, WELL, I WAS CLEANING OUT THE ATTIC THE OTHER DAY AND I FOUND A LAMP. I RUBBED IT AND A GENIE CAME OUT AND SAID, I’LL GRANT YOU ONE WISH.


SO I WISHED FOR A BIRD WITH LONG LEGS AND A TIGHT LITTLE CUNT.


……….


Tarrrrrr-arrrrrrraboomtish!badoomdoomdoombadoomtish!barrrump.







Ah, fuck the lot of you.