Wednesday, March 15, 2006

 

Would you please put your hands together for...


WheeeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Thank you, thank you, Dave. And thank you all for coming out tonight.

I became a member of The Swansea Optimists’ Club a while ago. Last night I was expelled because when the chairman said, “Are we all going to be positive?” I yelled, “We’re all going to, Dai!”

Barrrrrrroom – tish!


Thank you.

Political correctness has gone mad, I tell you. I got evicted last week for installing a skylight… without planning permission. What?… yes, boo, exactly. Bloody council. And you know who’d reported me? The people in the flat upstairs.

Badoom badoom – tish!




I was going into a shop the other day when I saw a beggar by the door. I said, “Get a job!” She said, “I have Alzheimer’s.” Stricken with remorse, I reached into my pocket but realised I had no change. I told her, “Remind me on my way out.”

Tarrrrrrr-rump! Ti – (sssh)




No?


cock! ha ha ha haaaa burp



......I gave my two sons enough money to buy their own farm, on the condition that I got to choose the name of the place. They spent it wisely and reared beef cattle. One day I was talking to an old friend and I told him I’d named the farm Focal Point. “Why Focal Point?” he asked.

“Because that’s where the sons raise meat.”


Tarrrrrrrrrr-rump

Think about it -

- badoom badump tissshhhhrrrrrtish!!!


Guys… guys. That’s too much.



boooooo get offhoooooooyousuckboooooooocuntwankertsssssssssssssssOOOOOOOOOOOOOOsssssssss



…………………………





What?



What the fuck is the matter with you people?


Wanker!


WHAT?



stupid fuckhole



OKAY, YOU FUCKERS, YOU FUCKING CLEVER LONDON TYPES. OOOH, I'M SO TRENDY AND SO CLEVER IN MY ISSY MIYAKI SHIRT AND MY MARC JACOBS SHOES AND I THINK TONIGHT I'LL GO OUT TO A CLUB AND TAKE THE PISS OUT OF A STUPID STAND-UP COMIC WHO ACTUALLY WORKS FOR A LIVING. HERE’S A FUCKING JOKE YOU'LL LIKE. PITCHED AT YOUR LEVEL, I THINK.

A MAN WALKS INTO A PUB WITH A DWARF UNDER ONE ARM AND A FLAMINGO UNDER THE OTHER. HE ORDERS A PINT FOR HIMSELF AND ONE FOR THE DWARF. THE LANDLORD SAYS, THAT’LL BE SIX FIFTY PLEASE. THE DWARF SAYS, FUCKING HELL, THAT’S EXPENSIVE.

ONCE THEY’VE NECKED THEIR PINTS THE MAN SAYS, YOUR ROUND. THE DWARF SAYS, FUCK THAT. I’M NOT FORKING OVER SIX QUID PLUS FOR TWO FUCKING PINTS. YOU MUST THINK I’M FUCKING MENTAL. YOU BUY THE NEXT FUCKING ROUND IF YOU’RE SO DESPERATE.

THE DWARF STORMS OFF FOR A PISS. THE LANDLORD LEANS OVER AND SAYS TO THE MAN, SORRY FOR BEING NOSEY, BUT WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THIS DWARF AND FLAMINGO AND ALL? THE MAN SAYS, WELL, I WAS CLEANING OUT THE ATTIC THE OTHER DAY AND I FOUND A LAMP. I RUBBED IT AND A GENIE CAME OUT AND SAID, I’LL GRANT YOU ONE WISH.


SO I WISHED FOR A BIRD WITH LONG LEGS AND A TIGHT LITTLE CUNT.


……….


Tarrrrrr-arrrrrrraboomtish!badoomdoomdoombadoomtish!barrrump.







Ah, fuck the lot of you.

Comments:
Have you been drinking, Foot Eater? Yes?

Good man.
 
I wouldn't normally comment so promptly on one of my own posts, Dr E. (slurryfeck (n.) - the accumulating of first comments to a critical mass before a response by the original blog poster), but I've just been sicking up a torrent of booze and need to take my mind off the taste in my mouth. You bloody audiences are all the same. It's all 'good man', 'loved the show' in the bar afterwards, but where were you when I was being heckled?

By the way, one of those jokes was entirely original; I thought it up tonight specially for this post, in fact. Tickets to my next show for the person who identifies it correctly.
 
If you want to take your mind off the taste in your mouth, just stand on your head. Then the taste in your mouth will be on top.
 
Well I've heard the Alzheimer's one and the dwarf & flamingo one before. I spent a chunk of my childhood in Wales where every third person was called Dai and these kinds of jokes were not uncommon - in fact it's a very Max Boyce one that.

That leaves the skylight one, which I must admit I really liked and thought was the funniest one here, or the focal point one, which I had to say out loud before I got it.

So my guess is...

The focal point joke as you seem particularly fond of the double use of words (like your pop joke).

Do I get my tickets?
 
Egads I'm slow. I had to re-read a few of these before I got 'em.
I still don't get "Dal". Mayhaps cultural differences.
At first I thought they were anti-jokes (I love those!) but now I get it.
Very very funny!
 
Stop mixing the medication! Jesus what is it with people today?
 
SafeTinspector - it's Dai, with an "i", not Dal, which I think is a kind of curry.

In Wales, Davies is an extremely common name, and people will often refer to someone called David, or Davies as Dai (pronounced "die", "di" or "dye" depending on which part of the country you come from).

It is also quite common to refer to someone with one of the common Welsh surnames (also including Williams, Evans, Owen, Morgan & Jones) by their profession. For example "Evans the Post" (Mr Evans, the mailman), "Dai Chalk" (my primary school headmaster, Mr Davies) and the best one was the local mortician, Mr Davies, known as "Dai the Death"
 
hahahahahahahaha!

The only thing I've seen thats funnier this week was the "Blowing Chunks" gag on Jokemails blog....


Fnar!
 
Philip: but I'd then have the taste on my mind.

Kim: sadly the 'focal point' one is too good to be my own. (Uninterestingly, it was Isaac Asimov's favourite joke.) No, I thought up the Dai one, though by the sounds of it I wasn't being as original as I'd thought.

SafeT: I was going to explain but Kim's kindly done so.

FMC: I did this post stone cold sober, despite what I said earlier to Dr E.

Kim: damn, Dai the Death would have been a great blogging name. On the subject of Wales, I hear that following the success of its regional news programmes Look East (East Anglia) and Look North (northern England), the BBC are planning one for Wales called Look You.

Binty: yes, I must have told that joke of JM's to nearly everyone I know.
 
I'm puttin my hands together repeatedly. (Doc, says it's not a problem). I guessed wrong too. I had my pretend money on the dwarf and flamingo one. I was a bit slow on the focal point one and had to go around the house muttering it for a bit, getting concerned looks from my 3-year olds. 'Who are the REAL mummies here?' they seemed to be silently asking each other.
 
'sons raise meet' ha ha hahaa! taht was a good one.
 
SafeT thought it was 'Dal'. Hoohooheehee. That's the funniest joke here. "We're all going to Dal". Yes that's not very optimist, to turn into lentils. I'd prefer to turn into spinach.
 
I vote for the flamingo joke. I laughed really hard--in the goddamn library. Maybe be old stuff to you, but here in the States no one tells jokes. Keep'em coming, Footsie.
 
Gorilla:Two post comments in a row you have exposed me as ignorant.
Dal = lentils?
I only wish I could trot out a colloquialism that would provide you with reciprocal confusion.
...I guess I could make one up.
 
SafeTinspector:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dal
 
Altzimers, hmm VG but never mind all that old scrimshaw. what in the name of kamikazi reunions is El Beardy up to?
 
stand up in text form..

smarmy jokes, but somehow you make it fucking work.
 
Where did you find it? Interesting read »
 
Excellent, love it! » » »
 
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