The Fishwhacker Swindle?: Cock of the walk

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Cock of the walk

This was going to be about the miserable ingrate Norman Kember but Harry Hutton and Dr Maroon have beaten me to it. Instead I'm going to point you towards the story of the Prick Of The Week, Jakub Fik, who, when cornered by police at the end of a violent rampage, assailed them with assorted missiles including his own severed penis. (The eagle-eyed polyglots among you will note with wry amusement that 'Fik' is pronounced like the German slang term fick, which means fuck, which is presumably something Jakub won't be doing for a while.)

An innocent enough tale, you might think, but taken together with this, this, this and this, I believe it indicates we have something of an epidemic on our hands.

Gentlemen, take a little more care.

# posted by Foot Eater @ 12:23 am

Comments:

As you're doing all this research, why not look up whether the man in your post is technically guilty of a sexual assualt?

# posted by

Gorilla Bananas : 1:05 am

This is considered part of the normal breeding process by robots of my vintage.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 3:05 am

Gorilla: It all depends on intent.

If I am set on fire by someone and my clothes burn off, I am not guilty of indecent exposure.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 3:06 am

I feel sorry that it is only the drugged and insane that are chopping their bits off. It seems so unfair in a world where there are a few powerful men who could really do with a bit of trimming in their trousers.

Midnight knacker assault on the House of Representatives anyone? I'll bring sandwiches a flask of my (blush) famous lentil soup.

# posted by

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride : 4:15 am

Me want to know what the hell you was looking for that you ran across FIVE severed schlong stories! Am the dreams returning Foot? Getting them impulses again? Tell me you wasn't looking for like minded people or inspirational motivation!

# posted by

Monstee : 8:12 am

At least he aimed his various missiles with care. When throwing things at people it is frequently advisable to cast a glans at the opposition.

# posted by

Philip : 10:56 am

Philip..... too groanworthy!

# posted by

Binty McShae : 5:04 pm

This is like those stories that come out of Finland and Russia after a bad winter. It starts off with a load of really drunk depressed men and a nailgun usually.
I'll show you how fucking tough I am. POING straight through his hand.
I'M tougher, SMANK! through hand onto table...
so on until, much vodka, I'll nail my balls/foreskin/ear/foot to the fuckin sideboard. ARGHHHH

# posted by

Dr Maroon : 5:56 pm

GB and Philip: try as I might I couldn't think up any jokes to go with this story. Thanks for rising to the occasion.

SafeT: care to elaborate on your first comment? I'm intrigued.

Sam: I'd join you if I wasn't expected to provide the knackers, as I assume I would be.

Monstee: it's surprising what comes up if you type 'man cuts off penis' into Google. As you do.

Binty: but it was bloody clever, though, you must admit.

Doc: that sounds like the voice of experience. I've heard those Scotch winters can be pretty fucking Siberian.

# posted by

Foot Eater : 11:31 pm

I just hope Ann Coulter and her minions don't come across this post. They'll blame this wave of genital self-mutilation on the deleterious effects of feminism. That thing about liberal wymyn making men feel worthless and unneeded--or words to that effect.

# posted by

Desargues : 2:22 pm

foot:A portion of our kernel code is embedded in a very low-range RFID chip.

This code is refreshed every 10,000 cycles or every time a new super power is obtained, whichever comes first.

This RFID chip is installed in a penetrative capsule at the head of a small ballistic missile in a hidden launch tube.

Whenever I am attracted to another unit with a compatible feature matrix I begin by exposing the launching tube.

The appropriate reaction, a girlish giggle and a demure firing of the attitudinal solenoids, causes an involuntary launch of my projectile.

If the other unit is in the proper position, the projectile will shatter on the surface of their carapace. The RFID chip will be queried by an internal response center and my kernel code will be hashed along with their code using a public/private key exchange and processing algorythm.

If my sexual partner doesn't install the resulting code in a new unit within 20,000 cycles, then she will be forced to open a small brewery or sandwich shop selling nothing but edible lithographic prints of the child we WOULD have had if it weren't for our dismissive attitude and lack of responsibility.

Otherwise, eventually a new unit is manufactured and receives the new kernel code.

Beautiful, isn't it?

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 3:30 am

Too much? Alright. My penis is not a projectile. I was fibbing.

# posted by

SafeTinspector : 7:09 am

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# posted by