Saturday, February 25, 2006


By the skin of his teeth

Kim Ayres is an innocent man. It was a close-run thing, with a mere 26 out of 34 of you (76.5%) deciding that the evidence against him wasn't enough to dispel all reasonable doubt. I voted 'no' myself. A couple of weeks ago I had strong suspicions that Kim and El Barbudo were the same person, but as I looked into it I soon realised that it didn't stack up. If on the other hand Kim does one day reveal himself to be El B, then I told you so.

It intrigues me that despite a tissue-thin case for the prosecution, eight sick fucks among you voted to have Kim beheaded. There's a medical term for people like you, and it's antisocial personality disorder. God help us all if you're ever called to jury duty. In fact, I'm thinking of letting some friends of mine know about this disgraceful matter.

(I was going to write a post about bloggers who overuse links in their text, but I can't be arsed.)

In other news, something that really, really bothers me is the way that in films, whenever two people are speaking on the phone and one hangs up abruptly, the person on the other end always, always looks at his or her receiver. Nobody does this in real life, so why maintain this fiction on celluloid? Another thing that really, really bothers me is the use of 555 in phone numbers in American films and TV shows. I know this is because no genuine 555 numbers exist and so it's to stop actual numbers being used which, as sure as night follows fucking day, would lead to litigation, but it still destroys the credibility of the programme or film. Even the otherwise excellent '24' does this.

These might not seem like big things to you but they cause me hours of needless stress. I have enough grief during the week at work and I don't settle down in front of the telly in order to be taken the piss out of.

Oh, and another thing: why's it so cold today?

On behalf of my client, I would like to read a short statement.

"I always knew that I would be found innoncent, and that the good people of Blunt Cogs would see the complete absence of truth in the allegations of my supposed dual identity.

"My family and I have been dragged needlessly through hell by the dellusional persecution of a deranged individual.

"I am now going to consider my position as to whether we should sue the a*** off this M****erf***k*** c***ing b*****d


The statement gets a bit muddled at this point and when we took the pen from him he tried to continue using his own blood.

However, I'm sure he is ready to put this whole sordid incident behind him, with no hard feelings.
But Dr Maroon knows for a FACT whether Kim is innocent or not, as I explained. On the other hand, who gives a shit. They are clearly distinct characters so let's just accept them as such. It's not cold in the Congo.
I don't know anything for a fact anymore.

easterly: bitterly cold, dry.
northerly: cold, wet.
southerly: warm, dry.
westerly: warm wet.
Speaker: much as I appreciate your client's anguish, it's Monstee you should be going after if your client decides not to put the incident behind him. He can be found in his cave, somewhere in the western reaches of the Internet. Use tactical nukes to smoke him out if you must

GB: I've searched for that comment of yours but for the life of me can't find it. I remember vaguely that I didn't grasp it entirely. Were you referring to Doc Maroon's meeting with Kim? In that case, was there any clear evidence that Kim and El Barbudo weren't one and the same? And why did you you swear in this comment ('shit') when you so seldom do so? Are you pissed, as I am? Do gorillas get pissed more easily than we humans?

Doc: thanks for the weather report, but it's Gothic we want.
Fuckin' shower of spoilsports.
I swore because I felt I was being a bore by repeating myself. Did you follow the spat on Harry's blog with that nutcase Sol Kashberg? Harry knew immediately he was from Tel Aviv because Haloscan tells you the ISP number and location of every comment. Dr Maroon has Haloscan....
It's a pleasant 28 degrees celcius here...
Me have nothing to fear about litigation! Me personally have best layers one can get from back of porn magazine.

Cave am almost always 68 degrees with slight humidity.
GB: ah, yes, I see what you mean now. So come on then, Maroon, is there any further evidence you'd like to give us? I can always arrange a retrial; after all, it's not as if the double jeopardy rule still exists in Britain.

Binty and Monstee: thanks for rubbing my nose in it.
i, of course, voted NO.

i thought there would be more to the story Foot.. and to be honest, i'm kind of disappointed that you chose to wrap it up in such a rude mannor.

turn up the heat if you're cold. you daft bastard.
If it was almost anyone but you, Sarah, I'd swear at you for calling me rude. I got the impression from a few other comments that some people thought this was going to turn into a lengthy serial like one of Doc Maroon's but I just don't have the wit or imagination, and I thought the tale had run its course. Might come up with an epilogue, though.
I will state that sitemeter bears out the separate identities of Kim, ElB and Dr M.
I can't vouch for anyone else, as I've not paid enough attention and not everyone hits my counter.
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