Wednesday, February 08, 2006


By Hook Or By Crook

From our cartoon correspondent

Wacky metallic cleric Abu Hamza al-Masri was celebrating tonight after being cleared on several counts of incitement to murder and inciting religious and racial hatred. I caught up with him at his Islington pad where he was relaxing after his acquittal and before, one assumes, the mother of all piss-ups.

“Yeah,” he laughs, flicking the ash off an artfully-speared Marlboro, “you could say I might be off my tits later.” Hamza has become something of a cult figure to cartoon-lovers, but I have to say Finsbury Park's favourite lounge lizard is not big on taste. He sprawls on a leopard-print sofa while I am forced to take up a position on a cream shagpile rug near his feet. Coffee, tins of Stella and shots of Jim Beam are served by two pneumatic members of his household, who I later find out are named Mandy and Chantelle. The Chemical Brothers are pounding from the Bang & Olufsen speakers on the walls and I have to ask him to turn it down a bit.

I ask him about the charges, specifically that he urged his followers to ‘strike down the infidel dog wherever he may be found’, and that fifty kilogrammes of weapons-grade plutonium were uncovered in his lock-up. He sighs.

“The prosecution confronted me with all that shit and I’m like, ‘yeah, like, whatever, dude. Get over it.’” Another rasping laugh. “Actually, they might have had a case if it hadn’t been for you-know-what.”

You-know-what is of course the now notorious discrediting of the main investigating officer’s testimony, after he was exposed by an undercover Al-Jazeera hack as having had bestial congress with his gay horse. Surprisingly, perhaps, Hamza is not without sympathy. He leans forward and reveals a bit of scandal about a British cabinet minister, a Saudi prince and a dugong, which obviously I can’t disclose here but which certainly puts animal-buggery into a wider context for me.

I try to steer the conversation round to the subject of the offensive cartoons, but he never heard of them while in prison. “More of a Viz man myself, anyway,” he shrugs.

So what now for Abu Hamza? He looks thoughtful.

“First off, I’m going to get me some new hands. It’s an absolute cunt putting these contact lenses in and I haven’t had a proper wank for years.” Back to preaching and agitating? Again, that laugh, which seems to send women’s knees aquiver. “As a matter of fact, I’m thinking of writing a couple of Blunt Cogs scripts.”

Any last words for the readers? He considers this, then winks.

“It’s good to be off the hook at last.”


if this makes it to blunt cogs..

interesting polls you have. very entertaining.

i still really like that canterbury quote. i laugh every time i read it.
Now you're suckin the diesel!

On the subject of Hanza, I think he was hit hard. He's more of a posturer than a real danger I think. Anyway, he'll be out in 18 months ( he's been in a year) if he keeps his nose clean.
I shall check tomorrow for fucklestop or boozers dread.
Sarah: I thought about including your 'jackass' comment in the sidebar but I'm afraid it just doesn't cut the mustard as an insult. Plus, it wasn't heartfelt. Everyone whose quotes I've included there really hates me, I can feel it in my bowels. You Americans are just too polite.

Doc M: noticed your comment on a quick wanklescurry. I used to think 'sucking diesel' was a term of approbium when the Anti-Barney first used it.

I'm in two minds about Hamza. He is quite a cartoonish, unbelievable figure, and some part of me regards him as just a harmless buffoon. On the other hand, I'm getting sick of all the hypocrisy, and when I look at what he's said and done - blatant calls to murder, bomb-making manuals and the like - I start to lose sympathy. For once, I think the sentence is about right, and as you rightly say he'll be out in a year and a half anyway. I wouldn't mind taking him down the boozer for a swift half, if only to watch him struggle with carrying a round.

No risk of Boozer's Dread here; I'm celibate for the moment, even though it's Friday.
i don't hate you foot.. i'd have to love you first to hate you properly.
Oh for fucks sake, don't start giving him ideas.
Read an interview with his ex-next door neighbours once. Apparently he's a "lovely man" always willing to help around the neighbourhood.... fucking imagine it!

Incidentally Doc M, your comment about keeping his nose clean got me wondering... you reckon that hook is good for getting those hard to reach bogies? (US = boogers)
Binty: I've heard he's a shit-hot rock climber as well.

SafeT: sorry, did you say something there?
Yeah. Probably something about how I feel about this strange, disfigured Islamic fellow.

Or...I think I said something about it.
'S gone now. Or...maybe it never was? I'm confused. I'm sending a letter to the past me and asking him to keep more accurate records.
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