Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Post 101

One of the unadulterated delights of working in the NHS is the nagging you’re constantly subject to. Need to empty your bowels at work? Fill in a Defecation Permission Request Form. Don’t have this form? Fill out a Defecation Permission Request Form Request Form. Don’t have a pen with which to fill out the form? Fill out a Ballpoint Request, Excuse and Apology Form. No toilet paper in the loo? That’s too bad, but bog roll is unnecessary as it requires the cutting down of the rain forests and we should all be using bidets instead. No bidets? Have patience, we have to prioritise resources and you don’t seriously want patient care to be compromised just so that you can clean your anus, do you?

The latest round of hectoring and finger-wagging comes wearing the mantle of ‘revalidation’. All general practitioners and hospital consultants now have to undergo this process every five years or so. It involves an avalanche of paperwork, and requires you to indicate whether or not you’re a psychopathic murderer, or, more specifically, to prove that you’re not one. You do this by collecting thank-you cards and letters of endorsement from your patients and colleagues (I’m not making this up); enough of these, it seems, and you must be a swell individual who could never turn out to be another Harold Shipman.

Shipman, for those who don’t know, was a GP who murdered at least 300 of his elderly patients over several decades but committed suicide in prison in January 2004, thus taking the secrets of his motivation with him to the grave. The government seems to have got the idea that he was merely the tip of a murderous iceberg and that doctors are intrinsically dodgy characters (unlike politicians, of course). The whole purpose of the revalidation exercise is to ‘restore public confidence’ in the medical profession. As somebody said in a hilarious but spot-on letter to one of the medical journals last week: why, in the wake of the killing spree by the Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe, did the government not introduce a revalidation system for lorry drivers (since Sutcliffe drove a truck for a living)? Why not, indeed? There’s no evidence that Shipman’s murderousness had anything to do with his being a doctor, other than that he was afforded a greater opportunity to kill his victims.

In Nineteen Eighty-Four, Room 101 contains the worst thing in the world. This being my 101st post, I thought I’d do an Orwell tie-in. The worst thing in the world is Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt.

I'm sure we could make up a pile of bogus letterheads to write you up a fine bunch of references from Blunt Cogs plc...
If I were to write and tell them you;d helped me with a troublesome foot complaint, would that help? I could say you chewed away at the problem until you got to the bones of it. I'm quite strict about fibbing but I think that's OK.

In my room 101 are daddy long legses (daddies long leg?); avocados, although I wish I could like them 'cos, you know, you're s'posed to and stuff; certain death - I really hate certain deaath.
The fear of certain death will pass.
Anyway Doctor, how terribly reassuring you've been. You'll get no testimonial from me miladdo. Half of Shipman's patients (the live ones) said he was a great doctor and were astounded at his euthenising [sp] ways. Bloody medicos. And what's wrong with filling a form in to take a dump? It's my money your wasting.
Tunbridge Wells.

ps liked the 101 reference.
If I remember right, Shipman was fairly popular with his victims and would have had little difficulty getting them to supply ringing endorsements. Still, I suppose the next time a medical murderer is exposed, Patsy Hackitt or her equivalent can wave the forms about as proof that Everything Possible Was Done and if it's anybody's fault it's those bloody nurses again.
How does one who works with the dead collect Thank You notes ?

My room 101 is 10 sq ft and contains all my ex-girlfriends in PMS.
Surely it would be quicker and more efficient to simply introduce a devalidation system for psychopathic murderers?
Gosh, that sounds fun! So now, along with doctorly stuff, one needs to pester patience for attaboy letters.

"We here at Foot Eater know you have a choice in your Cadaver care, and want you to know that we enjoyed working with you and hope you were served to your satisfaction.
Don't hesitate to let Foot Eater know wether or not your Cadaver care needs were met.
We'd also like to remind you that it is customary for all Cadaver patients to send thank-you notes as part of their National Health Care responsibilities. Failure to send a thank-you note may jeapardize your eligability for further Cadaver care and may cause Foot Eater to feel put out.
Acceptable thank you notes include pastel colors, pastoral scenes, endearing animal charicatures, stylized hearts, humorously illustrated Cadaver, and at least one line of text indicating in no uncertain terms that the Cadaver care you received here at Foot Eater was, if not the very best Cadaver care, then the most personally enjoyable you have yet had.
the staff at Foot Eater
Kim: not sure that would help much with disproving I'm a psychopathic killer...

Sam: I get a 'kick' out of your offer, but that would be the 'sole' positive endorsement I'd get.

Doc Maroon: you've misspelled 'you're'.

Doc Maroon: oh.

Philip: well, there was a nurse murderer a few years back called Beverley Alletson, but really doctors are streets ahead in terms of numbers.

Johnnyboy: don't recall you around these here parts before, so welcome. I don't really bother corpses for a living, though some might say what I really do is more upsetting.

Menace: genius! Elect that man to high office now.

SafeT: you're hired.
Have you had any flirting?
hydrocodone addiction
oxycodone vs hydrocodone
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