The Fishwhacker Swindle?

The life cycle of a typical blogger:

First post: some rant about how complicated Blogger is, or an apology for the fact that this is a test. Second post: an awkward attempt at a humorous take on a topical news item. Third post: a favourable comment, together with a link, about someone else’s blog. Fourth post: a feebly witty commentary on how the blog’s going so far. Fifth post: a drunken outpouring of rage about how nobody seems to be visiting or commenting. Sixth post: a confessional-type effort about work or school days or relationships or whatever. Seventh post: a pathetically grateful effort thanking those few people who have commented and providing links to their blogs. Eighth to approximately 39th posts: various topics, received with varying degrees of enthusiasm by readers (as evidenced by numbers of comments). Fortieth to 52nd posts: more of the same, with added apologies about the infrequency of posting. Fifty-third to 80th posts: a return to the self-referential themes of the first eight (with optional lengthy absence of up to six weeks, prompting a barrage of comments asking after the site-owner’s welfare). Eighty-first post onwards: sink or swim time, in which either the frequency of posting reaches a steady state of between one and seven posts per week, or the blog owner announces tearfully that he or she is giving up blogging because of work and family commitments but would like to thank everyone for being there for him or her, etc, etc.


BBC Radio Four. What’s it like? The only things really worth listening to any more are I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue, where you can hear the octogenarian jazz supremo Humphrey Lyttelton delivering some of the filthiest, most finely-judged double entendres around, and In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg, which is 45 weekly minutes of the most sumptuous and intelligent discussion of anything – art, science, philosophy – you’re likely to hear on air anywhere in the world. I still listen to the Today programme most mornings on the way to work, but lately I’ve had fantasies of a Blunt Cogs version, with Dr Maroon and SamProblemChildBride as the anchors, LindyK reading the news bulletins, Binty McShae as the sports editor (bit of a theme developing here, but then the Scotch have taken over the Beeb), and the religious slot Thought For The Day being taken alternately by El Barbudo and Anti-Barney.


I like the way Arlington Hynes updates his posts with quotes from the comments. Must steal that. Arlington did a very brilliant thing in using a gimmick – his bizarre spelling – from the outset of his blogging career. Must remember that for when I’m reincarnated.


Where’s the Emerald Bile gone?


Now for some lists.

People who aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are:

• Mark Steel


• Michael Moore


• Dawn French


• Almost all the ‘comedians’ in the 6.30 PM slot on Radio Four, really


• Foot Eater

People who are funnier than they will ever know:

• Chris Morris


• Steve Coogan


• Larry David


• Emo Phillips


• SafeTinspector

Swear words I will never use on this blog:



Times my finger has been poised over the Delete Blog button for more than five minutes:

Seven.


Occasions on which I have posted self-deprecating comments in an obvious trawl for self-validation:

Twenty-four.


Number of people I link to whose political views I share completely:

Zero.


Number of times the above has bothered me:

See previous answer.


End of lists. Coming up in the next few months: the Fenby saga will continue, and there’ll be more accounts of mistakes and misunderstandings, and probably more medical tales too. De-link now!


That’s it, that’s me for now; I’m off. See you all in a month or so. Behave.