Saturday, July 15, 2006


Foot Eater's Unoriginal Miscellany

The life cycle of a typical blogger:

First post: some rant about how complicated Blogger is, or an apology for the fact that this is a test. Second post: an awkward attempt at a humorous take on a topical news item. Third post: a favourable comment, together with a link, about someone else’s blog. Fourth post: a feebly witty commentary on how the blog’s going so far. Fifth post: a drunken outpouring of rage about how nobody seems to be visiting or commenting. Sixth post: a confessional-type effort about work or school days or relationships or whatever. Seventh post: a pathetically grateful effort thanking those few people who have commented and providing links to their blogs. Eighth to approximately 39th posts: various topics, received with varying degrees of enthusiasm by readers (as evidenced by numbers of comments). Fortieth to 52nd posts: more of the same, with added apologies about the infrequency of posting. Fifty-third to 80th posts: a return to the self-referential themes of the first eight (with optional lengthy absence of up to six weeks, prompting a barrage of comments asking after the site-owner’s welfare). Eighty-first post onwards: sink or swim time, in which either the frequency of posting reaches a steady state of between one and seven posts per week, or the blog owner announces tearfully that he or she is giving up blogging because of work and family commitments but would like to thank everyone for being there for him or her, etc, etc.

BBC Radio Four. What’s it like? The only things really worth listening to any more are I’m Sorry, I Haven’t A Clue, where you can hear the octogenarian jazz supremo Humphrey Lyttelton delivering some of the filthiest, most finely-judged double entendres around, and In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg, which is 45 weekly minutes of the most sumptuous and intelligent discussion of anything – art, science, philosophy – you’re likely to hear on air anywhere in the world. I still listen to the Today programme most mornings on the way to work, but lately I’ve had fantasies of a Blunt Cogs version, with Dr Maroon and SamProblemChildBride as the anchors, LindyK reading the news bulletins, Binty McShae as the sports editor (bit of a theme developing here, but then the Scotch have taken over the Beeb), and the religious slot Thought For The Day being taken alternately by El Barbudo and Anti-Barney.

I like the way Arlington Hynes updates his posts with quotes from the comments. Must steal that. Arlington did a very brilliant thing in using a gimmick – his bizarre spelling – from the outset of his blogging career. Must remember that for when I’m reincarnated.

Where’s the Emerald Bile gone?

Now for some lists.

People who aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are:

People who are funnier than they will ever know:

Swear words I will never use on this blog:

Times my finger has been poised over the Delete Blog button for more than five minutes:


Occasions on which I have posted self-deprecating comments in an obvious trawl for self-validation:


Number of people I link to whose political views I share completely:


Number of times the above has bothered me:

See previous answer.

End of lists. Coming up in the next few months: the Fenby saga will continue, and there’ll be more accounts of mistakes and misunderstandings, and probably more medical tales too. De-link now!

That’s it, that’s me for now; I’m off. See you all in a month or so. Behave.

I entirely agree about the following:
- Your account of a blogging life cycle
- Mark Steel
- Chris Morris
- I'm sorry I haven't a clue

There are some things I would like to point out at this juncture:
1 - you didn't mention Armando Ianucci. I wish you had.
2 - Just A Minute has become so difficult to listen to. It is ruined by audible embarassment and awkwardness of bad guests, a witless host and the clear boredom of Paul Merton. Still, did you listen to count arthur strong? Amazing.
3 - Here are some blogs that I think you should like:

There now, I think I'm done.
Which gives rise to a minor conundrum: should you file this post under "thinly disguised meta-referential turns," or under "self-deprecating comments in an obvious trawl for self-validation"? Or perhaps under "vitriolic dismissals of average bloggers"?

Maybe you should spend the next couple of posts musing on the difficulties of taxonomy (easy to file them under "intermittently waxing philosophical"). To press the urgency of this matter upon you, here's a passage from an Argentine who wrote about milongas, knife fights, dreams, and kenningar:

These ambiguities, redundancies and deficiencies remind us of those which doctor Franz Kuhn attributes to a certain Chinese encyclopaedia entitled 'Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge'. In its remote pages it is written that the animals are divided into: (a) belonging to the emperor, (b) embalmed, (c) tame, (d) sucking pigs, (e) sirens, (f) fabulous, (g) stray dogs, (h) included in the present classification, (i) frenzied, (j) innumerable, (k) drawn with a very fine camelhair brush, (l) et cetera, (m) having just broken the water pitcher, (n) that from a long way off look like flies.

--J.L. Borges, The Analytical Language of John Wilkins
Your blogging cycle seems dead-on for the most part. I'm not sure what the hell I was doing around the 80 post mark....carrying on, I suppose.
But my very fist post (which I've long since deleted) was simply: "This is my test at posting a blog entry". See, you were right!
My second post, however, was "another try at a first post" and it involved doodles of privates on the side of plastic disposable cups. My usual grade A skatalogica.

As for Arlington Haynes: I think he'd be funnier if I could read his shit at a normal pace. My brain trips over the damn misspellings and the humor leaks out of the piece like blood from a meat balloon. Once or twice I've been able to clip through the intentionally fouled prose well enough to preserve some modicum of comic timing and laughed my ass off at the resulting product.

Emerald Bile? What? A play on Ireland's nick-name, The Emerald Isles? But what's the context? confused.

Wait, there's my psuedonym! HEY! Why are you always so nice to me if you don't agree with my politics? I blush with the mention, although with Emo Phillips on your list I wonder at your taste. How do you know I don't agree with your politics? Haven't really talked about them with you. Chances are more likely that I just won't understand your limey politics, not that I'd disagree with them.

Hovering over the delete button or the delete post button? Or delete comment button? Or....just backspace? On a Macintosh the delete button is really a backspace, after all.

As for trawling for self-validation (easier to say 'fishing for compliments'), that seems to be an affliction more than one of us seem affected by. But not all. I figure those of us (and I include myself, here) who occasionally do this are probably poorly adjusted individuals with fragile egos.

Ultimately, I think people are suckers for lists. Make more!
You worry too fucking much.

In our time is vg as is isihac AND Round the Horn (brilliant) [only available on BBC7 and the comedy channel on aeroplanes]
That's right aEROplanes.

I heard a DJ recently called, waitforit.....FISHWHACKER!

Let's find him and kill him or at least put him straight.
Where are you off to then?
You blogging cycle seems dead-on for most part. Me am not sure what hell me was doing around 80 post mark.... ranting bout candy commercials, me suppose.
But me very fist post (which me not since deleted) Am simply: "This am me first post to new blog. What am blog? It sound good! mmmMMMmmmmblog.". See, you were right!
Me second post, however, was "Second FIRST post." and it involved talking to meself about how blog was developing. Me usual grade Skatalogica.

As for Arlington Haynes: me think he'd be funnier if me could read his shit at normal pace. Me brain trips over damn misspellings and humor leaks out of piece like blood from meat balloon.
mmmmMMMMMmmmmeatballoon.... NO! Once or twice me been able to clip through intentionally fouled prose well enough to preserve some modicum of comic timing and laughed me ass off at resulting product.

Emerald Bile? What? You talking bout El Barbudo? confused.

Wait, there am NO me pseudonym! HEY! Why am you NO always so nice to me if you don't agree with me politics? Me NO blush with NO mention, although with Emo Phillips on you list me wonder at you taste. How do you know me don't agree with you politics? Haven't really talked about them with you. Chances am more likely that me just don't give a shit about you limey politics, not that me disagree with them.

Hovering over delete button or delete post button? Or delete comment button? Or....just backspace? On Macintosh delete button am really backspace, after all. Or Delete Blog button as you say in you post? Me not know why me not see that before asking these silly questions or why me not just take them out now... but, hey, it am theme!

As for trawling for self-validation (easier to say 'fishing for compliments'), that seems to be affliction more than one of YOU all seem affected by. But NOT ME. Me figure those of YOU (and me NOT include self, here) Who occasionally do this am probably poorly adjusted individuals with fragile egos.

Ultimately, me think people am suckers! As for lists. Make more!
I love your blogging cycle observations - so true. Back frommy holidays and I've found that at least 2 of my regular haunts have packed up shop since I was gone.

Hope you have a good break
Ack! I've been plaguerized!*

* bubonically
Why are you telling me?
Monstee:We are in alignment on such a great many things!

Ach, I hadn't noticed the word "Blog" after delete. Not sure why.
Also didn't notice the "I'll be back in about a month" bit at the end.

Foot mentioned at BC that he is engaged in nuptual activities. Perhaps he is honeymooning.
I prefer to think that he's touring the morgues of Baghdad, sampling the startling variety of feet to be found there.
Me not so sure of that SafeT.

Over at Sarah's Foot say that him's big day was at end of this month. If he gone now, then me think that mean that he just getting everything in order and ready so that now he not need to worry and when he find himself in car sitting at stoplight he can then just get out and RUN!! RUN FOOTEATER, RUN!!! DON'T LOOK BACK!! JUST RUN!!!! RUN FOR YOU LIFE!!!!!

You a married guy, so you know what me mean.
What? Uh...married life is bliss. Wall-to-wall, nuts to nose happiness.
I have nothing more to say on the subject on the grounds that I am not anonymous.
If you're getting "nuts to nose happiness", SafeTi, then no wonder married life is bliss
Well, I'm officially taking two weeks off blogging before the wedding, but here goes anyway.

Kieran: welcome, and I'll check out your recommendations (plus your own blog which you've very modestly not included - I like that) once I get back. Yes, I like Arthur Strong. Ianucci is a far better writer than a performer, I think.

Des: buggered if I didn't follow that entirely. Kenningar? You'll have to start your own blog to explain things like that.

SafeT: we have debated politics; you revealed yourself as not in favour of libertarianism. And Emerald Bile is the blog that really got me connected to all these others, and as such is at the top of my link list. It's been defunct for the last week.

Oh, and best wishes for the impending expansion of your family.

Maroon: why are you assuming Fishwhacker is gay?

FMC: down the aisle, and then the Greek islands.

Monstee: instead of pastiching poor SafeT, how about displaying some of your not inconsiderable wit in the comments on my last post? It's one of my favourites so far.

Kim: yes, I noticed while you were away that the Admiral had written his own eulogy and I was wondering how you'd react.

Back in mid-August, if I haven't died of heat stroke. The hat should afford some protection.
Oh, yeah. I said I wasn't much in favor of pure libertarianism, as I enjoy having roads, parks, and public schools.

On the other hand, I look at any form of idealistic purity with alarm and suspicion.

I guess we don't agree %100, but that's fine, as you said.
So, are you pissed enough to check in here to see what's happenin'?

I am.
I see you're still up. ( 12:20), becdause you were over at Hungbunny's a minute ago talking about Kate Bush ( Best Sexiest girl ever) a minute ago.
Huh? Whazzat?

Christ, I wasn't blogging last night, was I?
Technically I'm on holiday.
Literally I'm on four to six hours of sleep.
(this is not as exhausting as you might think)
So, Foot, you having a nice run-up?
Aaw, I'm sorry you big baby I didn't mean it. I like your blog. No really. Fine. Get married.
a true confession from me:

i started my blog as an online diary. because i can type faster than i can write with a pen. it's easier to keep up with my thoughts this way.

hope your wedding is going or went happy and well. no advice from this ol' married hag. other than: have FUN. tell anyone that tries to ruin your day to fuck off. and let her know how much you love her and how happy you are that you are marrying her. i kind of forgot that part. i regret it now. he knows of course.. but i wanted to tell him in front of all of our family and friends and make him cry like a pregnant woman. :o)
Can I add myself to the list of people 'not as funny as they think they are' or was that humourous enough for a repreive?

Also, what is the f**k is that crap show currently on R4 on a Thursday evening at 6.30?
Oooh actually before I forget the Framley Examiner is still one of the funniest things which isn't the child-like sketch of a cock drawn in less than 15 seconds, with black marker on school book.
you should add yourself to the list of funny people geezer
Your month is nearly up, Footles. Tick-tock, tick-tock, do-do, do-do, doodlededoodlededoo, DOO! (For non-British people that's the tension music from an enormously high-tech and action-packed quiz show called Countdown)

I hope the wedding went off splendidly and all the major characters had a great day. It'll be nice to have you back, you toe-muncher, you (fondly, e-ruffling your e-hair).
I'd co-anchor Doccie M any day of the week.
Oh god, I'm doomed. I had no idea I was a cariacature of a stereotype. I'm off to kill myself, but first I must talk about it on my blog.

Fat Sparrow
Mmm my sweety private weblink collection. I hope you enjoy it !
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naruto xxx

About Christmas
merry christmas
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack."
"I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
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