Monday, August 14, 2006


Mahmoud and I

I come back to find that Iran's President Ahmadinejad and I have more in common than I’d thought. He’s just started his own blog, and it’s a cracker. As with most blogs, the first entry is one of such devastating literary beauty that I wept blood when I read it.

Ahmadinejad, or Ack as he’s known in the blogging world, has deftly pre-empted charges of hypocrisy by using only software from non-American companies in his blog, and consequently such giants of Iranian technology as Yahoo and Google feature prominently. He’s also careful to provide English translations of his original Persian writing so that those pesky Israelis don’t start misrepresenting his words again.

I decided to copy Harry Hutton’s technique and sent the President this email.

Dear President Ahmadinejad

I think the producers will definitely take you into consideration, though you’re certainly being quite brave with the whole image change thing. There’s never been a bearded Bond so far. Mind you, I reckon you need the beard to butch up a bit and offset that rather camp fringe.

Yours sincerely

Mr Foot Eater, England

Except I didn’t, because I can’t make head or tail of his blog, can’t even identify it as a blog, in fact, and got all my information about it second hand here.

You could pick an Iranian fax number at random and send them a printout of your letter.
I have a feeling it will get there eventually.... are back, yes?
Welcome back Foots! Many congratulations, sweetie-pie. Hope the big day was all it should be.

I wept tears of purest bone-marrow when I read of Ack's childhood and awakening into lunacy. Not that there's any competition mind but the Problem Husband has just told me though that he's just come from weeping tears of bile, which stings a bit. I reserve my tears of bile for whenever Jeremy Clarkson writes his memoir, "My Struggle".

Actually, I saw a 60 Minutes interview with Ahmadajinebad last night and dammit if he wasn't disarmingly mild-mannered and even funny. He seemed more measured than Mike Wallace, the (bafflingly chosen) bloke who was interviewing him. It makes him more scary.
You can get the page translated into English by clicking the annoying US flag at the top. Only thing is, I'm too afraid to do a Harry Hutton in case the President has me killed. Actually, if I just sign myself as Harry Hutton that should sort that one out.

There's an intriguing poll at the top left corner - essentially "are Israel and the US triggering a new third world war?" Yes, or no? And they say this guy doesn't want democracy.
Never mind all that, some info on the wedding would be nice. Did your best man shave your eyebrow off on the stag? Did you wear tails? Was there a clap of thunder when you said I do?
He's known as Ack?
Did you read it right?
But you see that won't do.
Anyway, was there? The clap of thunder I mean. Do tell.
SafeT: I just did that, and in acknowledgement of the fact that it was your idea, I signed the letter Mr J. Whited.

Sam: thanks. I saw bits of that interview. Kim Jong Il can also be quite charming when interviewed.

Kieran: good tip, will try it.

FMC, Doc: it went far better than I'd ever dreamed it would, without a hitch in fact (no, no pun intended). Glorious weather (with no thunderclaps), great band, fabulous looking bride, and complete strangers hit it off and were partying on down. Everyone's been a little dazed since then about how great it all was. I didn't have a stag party but instead spent the night of Vampirella's hen party over at Cape To Rio, discussing various wines with the good doctor.
Yes, the matrimonials. I hadn't known if I was to avoid the topic on your blog (as you, for the most part, had) on the grounds that it might incriminate you. But since the cat is out of the bag...
I can think of few places better to spend the stag-night than over at Doccie's. What with his liquor cabinet, his roaring fire and convivial company, I kinda wish i'd known him when I was having my hen-night. The headache would have been similar but would there have been any firemen, I wonder? The real sort, I mean, not the stripper sort - bleugh!
There's never been a bearded Bond

Rubbish. Sean Connery had a beard growing out of his chest.
So the president of Iran's first name is Ack, and Korea's is Kim... If you happen to be known as Saddam Foot Eater then we'd have our very own Axis of Evil right here.
Good, I'm delighted it all went well. Congratulations to both of you.
Christ! Go eat some toe jam, you whiskey monkey.
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