Friday, June 23, 2006

 

Holistic therapy


May I introduce Peter Halvorson, the senior director of ITAG. No, that’s not a new Apple product, but the International Trepanation Advocacy Group. For those who don’t know, trepanation – or trepanning, not to be confused with the charming Cornish town of the same name - is the drilling of a hole in one’s head in order to increase one’s sense of well-being. It was pioneered by one Bart Huges, a Dutch user of mind-bending drugs who gave himself the title ‘doctor’ despite having failed his final exams at medical school and therefore never graduating (as he reveals in this hilarious interview). In his seminal 1962 work on trepanning, The Mechanism of Brain Blood Volume, Huges proposed his concept of Homo sapiens correctus, according to which adults lose the imaginativeness and joie de vivre they experience as small children because the fontanelle, the soft spot on an infant’s head where the bones haven’t fused, closes off and thereby restricts the pulsation of blood in the head. This leads to all manner of problems including depression, neurosis and for all I know the wearing of fake Burberry caps and hoodies. The solution is, obviously, to open a new hole in the skull to allow the blood to pulse and flow more freely, leading to relaxation, relief from mental illness and enhanced creativity. According to this thought-provoking theory, Homo sapiens correctus represents a higher stage in our evolutionary development.

Leaving aside the minor flaws in the hypothesis – one being that if holes in our head were associated with a more natural human state, then natural selection would have provided us with them as adults, perhaps with a hinged flap to keep out infection – there are obvious practical hurdles to overcome in achieving the blissed-out state of cranium violatum. Like, for example, making the hole in the first place. I’ve watched neurosurgery being performed myself and it requires a fair amount of anatomical knowledge, not to mention a steady hand, to penetrate the skull without damaging the brain or its covering layers of dura. Unless you really want the blood to flow spectacularly – torrentially, in fact – it’s probably not such a good idea to rely on a Black & Decker cordless, an eight-pack of Stella and your mate Dougie. You could always try to get a neurosurgeon to do it, I suppose, but for some absurd PC reason doctors in most countries are forbidden by their professional bodies and by law to carry out this procedure, and going to a black market surgeon is risky because there’s usually a very good reason why that doctor is working on the black market in the first place. Fortunately, the ITAG website offers useful tips on how to go about having your skull broken into in a controlled way, and there are some terrific testimonials there, accompanied by pictures of some rather odd-looking people.

I do worry sometimes that I might trepan myself one day. I watched the video nasty Driller Killer once, and I drove a screw through my Action Man’s head when I was a boy. Mind you, I also dismembered him (accidentally) by heaving a pile of rocks onto him to simulate an avalanche, and I haven’t buried myself alive yet, so perhaps I’m reading too much into early behaviour patterns.

Just in case you’re thinking of making the following ‘joke’ in the comments, I’ll save you the bother: I need a hole in my head like I need a hole in the head.

Comments:
The evolution argument you posit to refute the positive aspects of this amazing procedure has the following flaw:
Evolution loses interest in us as soon as we reach physical maturity. There are all sorts of things our bodies do to themselves as we get older that cause negative effects. They are all valid from an evolutionary standpoint because, theoretically, we'll already have reproduced by then.
Sure, the big "E" will keep us strong and healthy enough to defend our brood and help them grow old enough to reproduce on their own, but a caveman could easily get through that whole cycle in 26 years or so. (Provided diddling occurs at 13 years of age)

Happiness is also counterproductive to the alpha male. The PURSUIT of happiness, however, is an ideal drive to enslave us to our evolutionary/biological duties.
Being depressed or angry and seeking to improve the situation keeps us cavement from happily sleeping in wet mud and getting ear infections.

I personally have several holes in my head. I have...um...five. Seven if you include my eyes, but those holes are pretty much plugged by occular tissues.

That dude looks just like Doctor Phil, BTW. If it weren't for that I'd be completely convinced, but his Philishness drives me away from him.
 
Brilliant! This is what I've been waiting for my whole life! I always knew there was something missing. It simply never occurred to me to turn he problem on its head, so to speak, and realize that there just wasn't enough missing. Skull that is.

The path to human happiness is so simple yet so elegant, it turns out. And relatively inexpensive. Where is the media on this? Where are Bill Gates and Angelina? Think of the joy we could bring the millions of the world who survive on less than a dollar a day simply by drilling holes in their heads. That, a small daily allowance of "sugar" and thorough instruction on the brain's metabolic mechanisms, and they'll hardly notice they're starving but will instead spend all the day thinking of innovative new ways to prepare dust for their dinners.

Oh thank-you Footie for turning me onto trepanning! I'm a believer! It can be done on your own, eh? Most interesting.
 
There's got to be a Blunt Cogs strip in there somewhere. Do you think glarking will have a similar effect?
 
SafeT: good point, but you're actually pointing out flaws in the drill-cowboys' argument, not mine. They're the ones who claim their procedure has an evolutionary advantage. Excellent observation about the five holes we all already have in our heads, too. No wonder Bart Huges failed his med school exams.

Sam: let me know how it turns out. One bit of advice: use a medium-bore drill to strike the right balance between effectiveness and disfigurement.

Kim: thanks for the suggestion; I've just emailed you a script.
 
Still trying to get my head round this blog....but I keep coming back.
 
Hilarious. I can think of several people who might benefit.

I must take issue with SafeT on the evolution issue. We have evolved to have a long reproductive span because that enables us to spawn more progeny and stay one step ahead of the competition (mainly infectious diseases throughout our evolutionary development) The longer we live, the more we breed. We can afford (as a species) to lose a few babies on the way because they HAVEN'T reached sexual maturity. Indeed, we are far more vulnerable to environmental causes of death BEFORE we reach maturity.

Sure, we must live until we can reproduce, but we have evolved to take a long time to get there, so there must be an advantage. Clearly, the older we are when we reproduce (up to a point), the better able we are to protect our offspring.

The conclusion, therefore, is that we are 'protected' until sexual function diminishes. This goes alongside a loss of physical and mental attributes.
 
if holes in our head were associated with a more natural human state, then natural selection would have provided us with them as adults,

To tell truth... it tried. Several times!
The first ones were so slow and tasty that they never made what with all them predators about, and nowadays they tend to be such stoopid happy gits that they no get laid!!!

Hence the hardship nature have in getting you all such a happy, cheerful and easy access to the yummy creamy good stuff thing that all you homos need!
 
Do you think that is what this guy was trying for? http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/12425803/
 
Trepanning's old hat. Various lots have been doing it for ages.
Evolution now, a swift glance around tells me to go no further. Not literally, obviously.


SafeT, you bin drinkin' boy?
 
Gurgle...
 
Gasp...
 
No, I'm saying that evolution didn't bother giving us a beneficial hole in our skull for the same reason it didn't give us internal cocaine factories or 24 hour ogasms.

Happiness would distract us from trying to get happy.
 
SafeT no!
There it is, in your country’s constitution for 200 years and yet not the happiest population in the world I would venture.
And why should it be?
Happiness as a steady state requires an empty head, a mindless indifference to the human setting. A pointer perhaps to the tons of drugs we all consume. Some see it as an absolute, but what if I could only be happy by torturing others?
Contentment then. But contentment with what? What if I’m being ripped off? What if we’re being tricked? “Ah but“, you say, “it’s a balance, we all know the score, but the pros outweigh the cons“. Well I hope so.
But I’m not happy about it.
 
Rattle (death rattle quite possibly). AlthougH I'm very happily drunk and want to look on the bright side of death.

Happiness is not a human given, as Maroon intimates. Maybe, in the final analysis, it's not even a human right. The pursuit of it, maybe, but not the end in itself. You can't legislate for happiness. It will either occur at some points but not at others. It is an unmeasurable.

I need some coffee now and the lovin' of a good man. Am very drunk. Blogging is probably not a good idea.
 
Whatever it was I wrote, I regret it already.

Sorry, pals.
 
Doc, I'm agreeing with you, ya bastard!
Constant happiness is not beneficial to anyone.
Constantly seeking happiness is!
 
Sam, you said the same thing I was trying to say, but in a way that made clear what it was I was saying and made it look like it was what we all were saying together. In tune. To the beat.
 
You're all quite mad, but you make a crazy kind of sense.

By the way, Sam, the term for what you're suffering is Boozer's Dread, according to the Blogosaurus.
 
Damn right, I'm mad. I'm filled with anger and angst. As a matter of fact, I'm so pissed that I'm ignoring the fact that pissed means something completely different for you limey bastards than it does for me.
 
I'm sure you'll feel calmer after you've had a fag, SafeT.
 
Your subconscious mind is a powerful force. It can be an un-defeatable ally or a dangerous foe! It is a powerful force of nature that can be harnessed and made to work for us or it can be a wild beast that runs riot with our lives.
How powerful is 'powerful'?

Take the first Atomic Bomb - it could lay waste to an entire city in seconds. Or the gravitational pull of the Sun which stops our tiny planet from hurtling into space. Imagine the power of a black hole - that region of spacetime from which nothing can escape not even light travelling at 186 thousand miles a second. The Universe is full of powerful forces. Yet, all these wondrous things pale into insignificance when compared to the power of the subconscious mind.

The subconscious part of your mind is that part which regulates your heartbeat, lungs, digestive system and everything else in your body. It directs the inner workings of your body and such things as (what biologists call) 'machines' - tiny living cells that are composed of motors, drive-shafts and propellers - seriously!!! There is mounting evidence that the cells in our bodies have memory and that our very DNA is coded with memories of our ancestors. As well as having full control of all these functions and more your subconscious also retains all the thoughts, experiences and emotions you have ever felt. It regulates the most complicated mechanism in the unknown Universe - your body - and it can calculate the trajectory of multiple moving objects while supplying you with the words necessary to debate an issue while controlling a complex task of activities such as driving a car!
These tasks alone show how powerful the subconscious mind is. But it is much more powerful than that!

The truth is: No-one knows the limits of the subconscious mind's power!

Tell yourself that you will wake up at 6 a.m. and chances are you will awake. Go to a crowed party and through a mass of voices you will hear someone at the other side of the room mention your name! Set a problem aside and miraculously, out of nowhere, the answer comes while you are involved in another task. It recreates situations in your life that correspond to your beliefs. Time and time again you find yourself in the same situations, with similar partners, in almost identical jobs. Like a wheel your subconscious mind creates situations that bring your life back to the same spot.
Likewise it can totally transform your life - even overnight! It can bring you new situations, life experiences, luxuries and even people.

However, it is like a na�ve child or a better analogy is that of a computer. It believes everything that you tell it. Your conscious mind is the gatekeeper. Anything you think with complete faith is immediately past to the subconscious mind - which it then takes as literal fact. There will be no arguments because it has no discriminating capabilities.
Although your subconscious mind is more powerful than you can possibly imagine it is a mere servant. It is at your disposal. YOU are in charge. It acts just like a computer and like every computer it needs software to run. So if you do not program it then someone else will! You are constantly being bombarded with software programs for the mind every minute of everyday. Buy this product and you will look slim, drive this car and you will seem sexy, drink this potion and you will feel more vibrant about life. You are told what to buy and when to buy it, when you are too young to do a thing and when you are too old. You are told what is possible and what is not. Snap out of it!
Take back your control over mind and body. You were born with the most powerful computer system known to man - a bio-computer that regulates a sophisticated, highly flexible, changeable, self repairing vehicle. You are amazing, a true miracle. If you bought a new top of the range diesel Mercedes would you let Joe or Sue down the road fill it up with petrol?
Begin to think for yourself. Who told you that you could not achieve your dreams? Do you believe it? Who told you that you were too fat, too skinny, too stupid, too smart, too young or too old?

Does it matter?

No! Because you are and always have been in total control. Change your thinking and you will change your subconscious beliefs. Change your subconscious beliefs and you will change your life. self hypnosis
 
Enjoyed a lot!
» » »
 
Where did you find it? Interesting read »
 
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