Saturday, May 13, 2006
Medical legends
A woman was admitted to hospital in a coma. She came round after eight months, and was found to be three months pregnant. A porter was arrested.
A hospital noticed an increase in patient mortality rates on Fridays. The phenomenon was investigated, and it was found that the cleaning lady, who vacuumed the wards every Friday, had been disconnecting life support systems in order to plug in the hoover.
A surgeon came out to the parking lot of his hospital to find his car broken into and the radio missing. Before he could report this, he was called urgently to theatre to treat a gunshot victim. It turned out that the patient had been shot by a security guard while trying to escape… after breaking into the surgeon’s car. The patient survived.
A patient was being given a rectal examination by a medical student, who rested his free hand on the patient’s shoulder. The consultant came into the cubicle to inspect the procedure, unbeknown to the patient, and rested his hand on the patient’s other shoulder. The patient fainted.
A surgeon was conducting his ward round when a nurse remarked that a particularly drunken patient was repeatedly pulling out his nasogastric tube. The surgeon asked the patient why he was doing this and the patient swore at him and pulled his tube out again. The surgeon drew a handgun from the pocket of his surgical scrubs and pointed it at the patient’s head. The man reinserted his nasogastric tube in record time and was as meek as a lamb for the rest of his admission.
A general practitioner was approached by a man who offered to clean his Porsche for five pounds. The doctor agreed, not knowing that the man was dissatisfied with the treatment he had given the man’s wife. When the GP came out to his car he found every inch of it cleaned – with a brick.
One of these stories I know to be completely true; one is partly true; one is possibly true; and the others are almost certainly fictional. I leave it up to you to decide which is which.
A hospital noticed an increase in patient mortality rates on Fridays. The phenomenon was investigated, and it was found that the cleaning lady, who vacuumed the wards every Friday, had been disconnecting life support systems in order to plug in the hoover.
A surgeon came out to the parking lot of his hospital to find his car broken into and the radio missing. Before he could report this, he was called urgently to theatre to treat a gunshot victim. It turned out that the patient had been shot by a security guard while trying to escape… after breaking into the surgeon’s car. The patient survived.
A patient was being given a rectal examination by a medical student, who rested his free hand on the patient’s shoulder. The consultant came into the cubicle to inspect the procedure, unbeknown to the patient, and rested his hand on the patient’s other shoulder. The patient fainted.
A surgeon was conducting his ward round when a nurse remarked that a particularly drunken patient was repeatedly pulling out his nasogastric tube. The surgeon asked the patient why he was doing this and the patient swore at him and pulled his tube out again. The surgeon drew a handgun from the pocket of his surgical scrubs and pointed it at the patient’s head. The man reinserted his nasogastric tube in record time and was as meek as a lamb for the rest of his admission.
A general practitioner was approached by a man who offered to clean his Porsche for five pounds. The doctor agreed, not knowing that the man was dissatisfied with the treatment he had given the man’s wife. When the GP came out to his car he found every inch of it cleaned – with a brick.
One of these stories I know to be completely true; one is partly true; one is possibly true; and the others are almost certainly fictional. I leave it up to you to decide which is which.
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The patient survived.
ok but did they racovar teh radio?
im betin teh porsh is true. id gues teh rectal exam is true esept for the fanting.
ok but did they racovar teh radio?
im betin teh porsh is true. id gues teh rectal exam is true esept for the fanting.
I know the first one to be true, I remember it being in the news.
I know the one about the rectal exam in fictional.
The rest were all my fault. Sorry, I'll try harder.
I know the one about the rectal exam in fictional.
The rest were all my fault. Sorry, I'll try harder.
I'm guessing the theft/surgery story is true, though I love the one about the cleaning lady.
# posted by 
: 9:44 am
: 9:44 am
Another true one from blighty that managed to appear in the local Sinless City rag a couple of weeks back...
Hospital nurse in Banbury, England, was discovered to have been administering drugs to patients in order to provoke heart failure just so he could be a hero and resuscitate (sp?) them! He may have got away with it had he been a little more successful in his 'heroic' antics but after an increase of deaths on his watch bosses got a little suspicious...
Hospital nurse in Banbury, England, was discovered to have been administering drugs to patients in order to provoke heart failure just so he could be a hero and resuscitate (sp?) them! He may have got away with it had he been a little more successful in his 'heroic' antics but after an increase of deaths on his watch bosses got a little suspicious...
Don't lie! They're ALL true. Bloody doctors.
Have you seen Hungbunny's post? You're in it. OOH-er missus.
Have you seen Hungbunny's post? You're in it. OOH-er missus.
The rectal one is bollocks. The pregnant coma lady one is also probably bullshit, though I'm intrigued by your information, SafeT. The Porsche one is partly true - I can't really say much more than that or I'll betray confidences.
So nobody's guessed right yet, though you all get extra marks for trying.
So nobody's guessed right yet, though you all get extra marks for trying.
Brewski: I've learned that Friday popcorn needs a little longer in the microwave before all the kernels pop.
HappyKat: welcome; I think this is the first time you've commented here. No, the cleaning lady one is just too bizarre to be true, even in the other-side-of-the-looking-glass world that is the NHS.
FMC has come fairly close. I'll provide the answers after the weekend.
HappyKat: welcome; I think this is the first time you've commented here. No, the cleaning lady one is just too bizarre to be true, even in the other-side-of-the-looking-glass world that is the NHS.
FMC has come fairly close. I'll provide the answers after the weekend.
Wow, these all sound like script ideas that might have saved all the lameass hospital shows on tv...
http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles/2006/04/05/doctor_on_trial_in_missed_pregnancy_of_raped_coma_patient/
So there!
So there!
Binty, I'm an uncultured American.
As such the only spanish film I've ever watched was the video for the Macarena.
I wish I could tell you I knew what you were talking about...
As such the only spanish film I've ever watched was the video for the Macarena.
I wish I could tell you I knew what you were talking about...
shows what you know!
The cleaning lady did it in the library with the candle-stick vacuum. I have the little card to prove it!
Safety, you should check out Y Tu Mama Tambien. trust me, you won't care about the subtitles.
The cleaning lady did it in the library with the candle-stick vacuum. I have the little card to prove it!
Safety, you should check out Y Tu Mama Tambien. trust me, you won't care about the subtitles.
Happy, I actually DID hear about that movie. From NPR of all things. I've heard it is very..interesting.
You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and extremely broad for me. I’m looking forward to your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!
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# posted by : 11:42 am
: 11:42 am
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