Saturday, April 08, 2006


Inspector Shrike investigates

(The story began here. Click on the link first if you want to make any sense of the following correspondence.)






Further to the unexplained disappearances of Roland Batter, Olive Fry, Anais Meeyal and Brian Eaton in the Edenglen Valley, the Chief Constable is giving this investigation Code One priority. As you are aware, Edenglen Valley is the constituency of the Secretary of State for Health, and the political dimension to this matter does not need to be pointed out. Leave is henceforth cancelled until further notice. I shall be meeting with all of you on Monday 10.04.06 to establish a task force dedicated to this investigation.


20 May 2006

Chief Superintendent F Strong
Hartwickshire Police
Willow Downs

Dear Fred

Just a quick note to ask how things are progressing with the Edenglen Valley business. It’s been six weeks now and the Home Secretary’s breathing down my neck, what with the local elections coming up. Have any of those leads you mentioned at the last briefing thrown anything up?

I have to tell you, Fred, I have a bad feeling about this, and the shit is going to hit the fan if we don’t produce some results soon.

How’s Joan and the kids?




21 May 2006

Chief Constable James Dredge
Hartwickshire Police

Dear Jim

I appreciate the pressure you’re under but could I ask that you not get on my back like this? I do understand the implications of fucking this one up. As it happens, one of our officers, DI Shrike, has come across something rather interesting which I’ve asked him to follow up. Please find attached a copy of his report.

Joan and the boys are fine. Thanks.




Today (18 May) I was visiting my mother in Acorn Park Nursing Home, Edenglen Valley. My mother mentioned that one of her fellow residents had become very agitated recently every time there was a report on the television news about the ‘disappearances’. I spoke to this resident, a man named Mr Harry Foot. Mr Foot, 45, is a Falklands War veteran and suffered a severe head injury during that conflict, hence his placement in a nursing home. He also lost his right leg. I found him extremely difficult to interview as he was incoherent at times and seldom answered questions directly. I showed him the pictures of the four missing persons and he began laughing and shouting: “They’ve been et [sic].” I subsequently asked who ‘et [sic]’ them, to which he replied: “He did, the one what [sic] et [sic] my leg.”

Further questioning of Mr Foot proved fruitless, but I made enquiries among the nursing staff and later Mr Foot’s general practitioner. Apparently he and the remains of his company were rescued during the war after having been cut off for several days and having sustained severe injuries. Mr Foot never regained his full mental faculties but he has maintained that his leg, far from having been blown off by enemy fire, was removed and eaten by one of his fellow soldiers. He has never identified the alleged perpetrator, and it has always been assumed that this story was a product of his unfortunate mental condition. Nonetheless, it is interesting that he should now allege that four missing persons have been eaten by the same man as the one he claims ate his leg, when he has never claimed anything like this for the last twenty years and more.

I request permission to interview Mr Foot further, and sequentially, to explore this avenue.


22 May 2006

Chief Superintendent F Strong
Hartwickshire Police

Dear Fred

What in Christ’s name is this shit? We’re in the middle of one of the biggest investigations this force has ever seen and you send me some report from a shitty little DI about raving loonies in nursing homes with cannibal fixations?

The Home Secretary is, as you know, close enough to the Health Secretary to be his arsehole buddy, and has warned me that the repercussions of a balls-up would be far-reaching. I’m sorry to say this, Fred, but I’m not carrying the can for this on my own. Get me some results. A fucking body would be a start.




23 May 2006

Chief Constable James Dredge
Hartwickshire Police


I wasn’t going to bring this up if I could help it, but you leave me no choice. Remember that New Year’s party, 2002? Not the one at the office, the other one, afterwards? Of course you don’t; you were too pissed. Too pissed to see me there with the new camera I’d got for Christmas.

Take a look at the enclosed photos, Jim, and then let me know if you’re going to back off or if I need to have a little word with that Times journalist I’ve got cosy with.

I will produce something. At the same time, I will allow DI Shrike to continue with his investigation. Every little helps.




Email 30.05.2006

Recipient: (CS Frederick Strong)
Sender: (Superintendent David Duffy)
Subject: d i shrike

DI Mike Shrike has vanished. he didnt report in this morning and no-ones seen hide nor hare of him since yesTERDAy. As you know sir he lives alone but his neybours havent seen him neither, he was lookin into this stuff about the war vetran geezer and left me a ansafone messege sayin the geezer told him the name of the bloke whot ate his leg and killed and ate the missgn persons. he didn’t say who it was tho but he said he couldn’t belive it. He said he was goin to look into it his self and let me no what he found. Sir I don’t no what to do.


17 June 2006


The Rt Honorable Christopher Stark, MP
Secretary of State for the Home Department
House of Commons

Dear Chris

I am genuinely sorry that your Detective Inspector Shrike is still missing. From the profiles I have read he appears to be a dedicated police officer and an example to us all. It is also unfortunate that he should disappear in the middle of such a crucial investigation, when all available manpower is so desperately required.

This brings me to my next point. The investigation into the disappearances in my constituency has not borne fruit, and while I fully accept that this is through no fault of your own, I am anxious to draw a line under the matter. It is in no-one’s interests, least of all the country’s, to be distracted by a police investigation while important elections are underway. Furthermore, with violent crime on the increase in our provincial towns as well as inner cities, it seems to me imprudent to divert already-stretched police resources away from where they are most needed.

I therefore respectfully ask if you would consider closing the investigation on the ‘Edenglen Valley Four’. I do not of course wish to stray into your territory but might I suggest that if a little smoke needs to be put out to satisfy the press, could we consider something along the lines of DI Shrike’s having stymied the investigation through his unnecessary pursuits up blind alleys? Regrettable though this might be, it is unlikely that it will affect DI Shrike adversely as he is, as we used to say in the Forces, Missing In Action.

Lucinda and I look forward to seeing you and Jenny next week.

Kind regards


The Rt Honorable Colin Fenby, MP
Secretary of State for Health

Heh! Heh! Heh!

I mean that most sincerely.
Mr. FENBY is the Secretary of State or Health. Brilliant! The perfect foil! I missed the "story begins" link to the cannibals the first time around and only tumbled to the insidious truth on second reading.

How was D.I. Shrike presented? With sauternes and mash upon a medley of Spring leaves? Or did they use his sweetmeats for a pudding or dumpling of some sort?

Loved it, looking forward to the next episode. Can the diabolical Colin Fenby, MP be stopped?

You are off your dessert-trolley, you know that don't you?
I'm like Sam. Missed the link to that hilarious root post.
So, I assume there is to be more?
Philip: you commented about ten minutes after I posted, by the looks of it. Eerie.

Sam: the fate of the good inspector might or might not be revealed in due course. And Colin Fenby MP is a man who's going places.

SafeT: I'm thinking of making that link more prominent somehow, as none of this really makes sense unless you've read the first instalment. Yes, there will be more, though at a Maroon rather than a SafeT pace; and the main character in this saga isn't even mentioned in this episode (though did appear in the first).
"SafeT" pace.
I post updates twice a week and that's a pace to aspire to?

No matter, this whole fiction bug that Dr. Maroon got us all started on has been endlessly entertaining!

Even if his saga never completes, it had that effect, and everyone can thank him for the long-winded nature some of these blogs have taken on lately.
Deliciously morbid.
Fiction....FICTION? Is someone insinuating something here? Alright, I may go on a bit, but I have so much I need to say that for me to compromise on wordage would be like eating only half the chocalate eclair to give one more time to do the washing up!


Joe McC

P.S. Sorry for that. As you know, I'm normally of incredibly placid temperament.
Footsie, bloody brilliant! You are a sick bastard, but I like ya!
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