Sunday, December 02, 2007



Well, I’m back.

It would take too long to explain why I’ve been away. HM Customs and Excise, Lucky Gregor’s Laundrette in Maidstone, wholly trumped-up charges, golden moles, the RSPCA and a Birmingham prison were all involved, and let’s leave it at that.

Sorry about that last post, by the way. As several people suggested, I wasn’t the author. The benighted soul responsible has been locked in a study with a bottle of whisky and a revolver and is trusted to do the decent thing.

Missed me, have you? I certainly haven’t missed you lot. What an assortment of cranks, oddballs and social lepers you are. I’m glad I never got so hooked on blogging that I felt the need to get up early in the morning to log on, or that I cried for a week once when my internet connection went down. I suppose I oughtn’t to insult you, because I’d like to ask for your help. Do any of you know how to get an electronic tag off an ankle? It was one of the conditions of my early release that I wear one of the bloody things – to tell you the truth I think they just wanted to be rid of me because I never obeyed any of the warders’ orders, but then that was because I didn’t understand their ridiculous Brummie accents ('Coom ere, Foot Ayter, yo payce oov sheet') – but it’s the very devil of a job to stalk people quietly when you’ve got a bit of rattling, beeping machinery fastened round your leg. It might be useful if you were a postman, though – dogs would have difficulty sinking their teeth into your ankle. Come to think of it, it would be handy to have if you were a terrorist trying to board a plane. The security people would be so distracted by the metal around your leg that they’d probably fail to spot the arsenal in your coat pockets. This is a bit of a naff line of humour, is it? I'm trying too hard, am I? Well, in that case, go and read the Anti-Barney's blog or El Barbudo's or somebody's, you f-
I'm sorry, I'm out of sorts: post-traumatic stress and all that. It's just that I CANNOT HANDLE ALL THESE
put the gun down. it's all right. they're only shadows. they're not going to punish you or laugh at you. have some tea

Anyway, what’s been happening out there in the world? I haven’t had time to follow the news because I spent the last couple of weeks of my captivity frantically finishing off my magnum opus, a children’s multicultural adventure book about a teddy bear named Mohammed which I hope will go a long way towards promoting harmony and understanding between the peoples of this earth.

As the great Judge Dredd has been known to say: catch you later, creeps.

Even with the ankle bracelet you haven't learned yer lesson, trying the old children's book angle, leave the kiddies alone! my blogging has gotten better since you went away as I've not been so angry all the time, then again the only way was up.

I want to shag that Baroness Warsi bird something rotten.
Now you're back, find your way over to The Storytellers Blog, then email me and I'll set you up with access so you can start uploading your own. It's up to you whether you want to use your own voice or hire a local to read it for you.

Blogland is back in joint.

Legally, that is, but apparently that depends on what "is" means,
Glad you're not dead. Got some spawn on the way?

Nice work!
I have no idea what that meant. I wrote it at 3 in the morning after the first Christmas party of the season.

Welcome back anyway, Foots. We missed you.
I can't believe they were calling you by your blogonym in Birmingham. I don't believe they've got opposable thumbs there, let alone the internet.
Welcome back, footsy, and congratulations on your forthcoming fatherhood!
No, What Judge Dredd used to say was "GUILTY"

What SheBah said, yeah, well I suppose.
Yer going to be a father? I didn't know you were Catholic. Like I said leave the kiddies alone!
Mr Knudsen: the only way [is] up - that's what my cellmate used to say before he violated me something chronic.

Kim: I found the site but couldn't listen to any of the sound files.

Sam: the drugs don't work, they just make you worse.

Andraste: I'm more reptilian than amphibian, so I've moved up a notch from spawn; but thanks anyway.

Sam again: it's nearly Christmas? Time goes all out of joint when you're in there. In the joint, I mean.

Philip: do you know, I never noticed that about the opposable thumbs, but now I think of it, perhaps that's why they could never get a grip on their tasers.

SheBah: thanks, but who told you?

Maroon: you 'north of the border' types won't have heard of Dredd, even though he was created by a Scotch-American. He never said 'guilty'; he let his lawgiver do the talking. If you don't know what that is, look it up, creep.

Mr Knudsen: leave them for you, you mean.
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