The Fishwhacker Swindle?

Excerpt from the diary of former Defense Secretary J. Barleigh Korn, published posthumously by Apocalypso Press ($19.99)


January 19th

This morning I went to my briefin with the President and he looked all serius like. I aisked what was up but he dosnt like to be aisked questions, only to speak, so I let him talk cept I didnt realy lisen properly on acount of my disorder. At the end he gave me my instrutions for the day and I was a bit suprized but my job is to take the Presidents orders and not to aisk questions on acount of how hes like the Boss and all so I went away to do what he seid.

I went to my ofice and told Marcy my secetary to hold all my calls and I sat down at my desk. I dug some wax out my ears with my pen cos Momma seys its real importent to clean your ears reglarly or else you turn into a def asshole like my Daddy before he died, only sometimes I forget to what with havin so many importent things to think about at work all day long. I stuck the wax in the waistpaperbaskit only some of it stuck to the rim and I had to scrape it of with my pen and I realized I was waisting time and the President dosnt like that.

I made lots of fone calls and the people I spoke to didnt belive what I was seying but I hollered at them that it was the Presidents orders and did they want to anser to him personly and they seid no and I seid good cos if they cuoldnt folow orders then they cuold look for anuther job. Then I booted up my Appel Mac and got thru all the securitiy paswords and shit and punched in the priming codes and it kept given me meseges like WARNIN and DO YOU REALY WANT TO DO THIS but eventualy their was no more meseges and it seid LAUNCH? and I pushed ENTER.

Then some guys came in who I think were probly G-Men and they arested me and I seid why are you arestin me Im the defense secetary but they didnt sey shit and stuck me in a room. Then after maybe a half huor they came and took me to the Presidents ofice and staid with me. The President looked pised and also scared. He stared at me but didnt sey anythin for along time and I pointed at my nose.

- Youve got… I seid.

He rubbed some stuff off of his nostrel, it looked like the talcum powder Momma puts on her face when one of my new uncels is comin round to the trailer. Then he rememembered he was sposed to be pised with me.

- What in the Sam Hill have you just done boy, he hollered. He alweys calls me boy even tho Im 20 and so not a boy or even tecnicly a teenager anymore even.

- I was just folowin what you told me to do this mornin Mr President Sir, I seid.

- This mornin? he seid. This mornin I told you that your hearin dificulties was becomin a real problem and I advized you to consider a new career.

- O sory I seid, beginin to giggel. I thaught you told me to nuke Korea.

He stared at me agein all bug eyed like and then he started yellin an cursin about how he shuold never of hired a god dam Tennesee shit kicker like me but I cuoldnt help still giggelin and prety soon he was laughin too and so were the G-Men when they took me away agein. In fact it was infexious and the fierin squad was chucklin so hard they had to give up and theyre goin to try agein tomorrow. If theirs any of them left anyhow.