The Fishwhacker Swindle?

This site has been averaging around nine hundred hits a day recently, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to introduce myself to the hordes of newcomers.

Hello, my name is Foot Eater, and welcome to my internet command node, The Fishwhacker Swindle? (The question mark is essential, by the way.) TFS? is a site dedicated to comedy, occasional short fiction, gruesomeness and incisive sociopolitical discussion, which last I haven’t got round to yet. This weblog might just save the world.

Here are ten reasons why I am wonderful.


1. I am famous. In the last month I have been linked to here and here. That second one is most gratifying as I have always really wanted to write about my true passion, Victorian houseware hardware, but have never felt ready to do so directly and have instead chosen to allude to it in the subtlest of ways. I’m pleased somebody has picked up on this.

2. I am handsome. Just look at my picture.

3. I have recently achieved something nobody else to my knowledge has ever managed, to wit, the Triple Fucklestop. (For a definition of fucklestop see here.) On Arlington Hynes’s site I brought the comment threads on three successive posts to a shuddering halt with the bone-grinding banality of my contributions. Gaze upon my works, ye amateurs, and despair.

4. I am the first person in the history of the human race to scoop the Blunt Cogs Smug Award for Best Character. I will always be the first, no matter who else wins in future. I am in a sense The Prime Character.

5. I am astoundingly modest.

6. I emerged the indisputable winner in my long-running public feud with El Barbudo. He is so cowed he’s afraid to comment on this site any more.

7. I am edgy, hip and happenin’, bro. Evidence? I own a cassette tape of Iggy Pop and the Stooges and I once listened to bits of a friend’s Dead Kennedys record. Furthermore, I sometimes wear shoes with no socks, and have bought clothes from TopMan.

8. I am man enough to walk away from a fight, secure in the knowledge that I am stronger in a moral sense than one who bellows “You’ll never get to black belt if you don’t start applying yourself.”

9. I know that when people criticise me they are being ironic.

10. I am very good at generating silly lists.


If anybody would like face-to-face coaching in achieving greatness, drop me an email, attaching a recent photo if possible.