Saturday, June 10, 2006


Why I am so great

This site has been averaging around nine hundred hits a day recently, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to introduce myself to the hordes of newcomers.

Hello, my name is Foot Eater, and welcome to my internet command node, The Fishwhacker Swindle? (The question mark is essential, by the way.) TFS? is a site dedicated to comedy, occasional short fiction, gruesomeness and incisive sociopolitical discussion, which last I haven’t got round to yet. This weblog might just save the world.

Here are ten reasons why I am wonderful.

1. I am famous. In the last month I have been linked to here and here. That second one is most gratifying as I have always really wanted to write about my true passion, Victorian houseware hardware, but have never felt ready to do so directly and have instead chosen to allude to it in the subtlest of ways. I’m pleased somebody has picked up on this.

2. I am handsome. Just look at my picture.

3. I have recently achieved something nobody else to my knowledge has ever managed, to wit, the Triple Fucklestop. (For a definition of fucklestop see here.) On Arlington Hynes’s site I brought the comment threads on three successive posts to a shuddering halt with the bone-grinding banality of my contributions. Gaze upon my works, ye amateurs, and despair.

4. I am the first person in the history of the human race to scoop the Blunt Cogs Smug Award for Best Character. I will always be the first, no matter who else wins in future. I am in a sense The Prime Character.

5. I am astoundingly modest.

6. I emerged the indisputable winner in my long-running public feud with El Barbudo. He is so cowed he’s afraid to comment on this site any more.

7. I am edgy, hip and happenin’, bro. Evidence? I own a cassette tape of Iggy Pop and the Stooges and I once listened to bits of a friend’s Dead Kennedys record. Furthermore, I sometimes wear shoes with no socks, and have bought clothes from TopMan.

8. I am man enough to walk away from a fight, secure in the knowledge that I am stronger in a moral sense than one who bellows “You’ll never get to black belt if you don’t start applying yourself.”

9. I know that when people criticise me they are being ironic.

10. I am very good at generating silly lists.

If anybody would like face-to-face coaching in achieving greatness, drop me an email, attaching a recent photo if possible.

Like Fuck! You were just getting too fucking boring to bother with.
< sarcasm >Oh boy, another list, woohoo. Yeah, you're great, you put me to shame. < extra > Me SO wish me was you.< /extra >< /sarcasm >
What I don't understand, Foot Eater, is why, as someone who is a virtual demi-god in the Blogosphere, you haven't done your own set of awards yet.

We've had the Maroons, the Tugged Beards, the BC Smug Awards, all approx 2 or 3 months apart. Surely its now time for Athlete's Foot awards.

Time to share and bestow some of that greatness of yours!
Foot, I've been noticing links like that, too. What possible commercial value would quoting our brands of poop have to these strange sites? Is it even possible to give them money?

Probably the inevitable reaction to Blogger having word verification.

I've even gotten spam in my chatbox recently!


Are you serious about the 900 hits? For what do you justify such? I have a feeling you are fudging your figures...

kim:We should all to an award. I could do a Safe Citizens Award
Copy dogs.
Clap clap.
Re: #9.

It's still better to be criticized ironically than complemented ironically.
El Barbudo and Monstee: I refer you to point number nine in the post.

Kim: I thought about this a while ago but I'm not sure anyone would be gratified by receiving an award from the likes of me. Will think about it some more.

SafeT: Did I say 900? Sorry, I meant 40.

Dr Maroon: You're a copy pot calling a copy kettle black, as you, by your own admission, did a Brewski recently.

FMC: No, I got checked out at the GU clinic and it's not the clap.

Sam: Quite. Though I'm sure you're being ironic.
You're so great because you are going to link to me.

Do I win anything for getting the correct answer?
you forgot to mention that you are cool for having a fiancee named Vampirella..

or does that make her cool.
Will your's and Vampirella's children will be Toe Suckers, then?
I too am a modest fellow and legend in my own mind. On Saturday I went in to Dixons, whereupon my trousers fell down. An assistant mistook me for a tripod and immediately affixed a camera to my head and shouted action. The clapper board was a close thing too!
Twenty ruined your excellent fucklestop of the other day, now I feel my blog is missing something. Golly, maybe you are as great as you say.
11. I go up to 11. That makes me greater.
Aww Footsie, do you want a cookie to go with all that greatness?!
Fucklestop, it appears there's a name for everything now.
Lucien: you get nothing more than the link, and you'll be grateful for it if you know what's good for you.

Sarah: we're both cooler than an ice cube stuffed down Debbie Harry's knickers. Then again, you're pretty cool yourself, in a kind of Patti Smith crossed with Angus Young womanly way.

Sam: good tip. We were planning on Harker, Lestat and Vlad for the boys, Carmilla, Lucy and Vampirella Jr for the girls, and Renfield for the mewling runt, but Toe Sucker has a certain ring to it.

Hobbs: you're a foul pervert, and your giant contribution to Western literature notwithstanding, I'm thinking of reporting you to the police. Welcome to the blog, anyway.

FMC: the day Twenty Major comments on this blog is the day I start bothering about him. He might be a deservedly funny titan in the Irish blogonation, but has he ever delivered a lethal fucklestop? Has he feck.

Hungbunny: Spinal Tap? How about alluding to Christopher Guest's far better later mock-documentary spoofs like Best In Show or A Mighty Wind; then you can come all ironic-retro on my arse.

I go up to 12, by the way, so gay pants to you.

Lindy: thanks, but I just deleted all my cookies on Blogger's advice so as to be able to upload pictures.

Justin: I have just saved you from a fucklestop, and a fatal one at that. Consider yourself warned.
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