Saturday, August 01, 2009

 

Declaration


I will never, never, never ever sign up to Twitter.

Comments:
You lie like a rug, white man. You're just fucked off because no one's licking your hole to get you to sign up. You know you want to be able to Tweet from your iPhone every time you have a crap, sit in a dentist's chair, or think about norks. Twitter was made for unwordy cunts just like yourself. Admit it, you'll join. You just want us to grovel first.
 
Fuckin hell fat sparrow! You still on the march? I thought you had flown home to roost years ago. See? it's an ill wind Foot Eater, you cunt.

Twitter/Sparrow, see where I'm going with this? I signed up to annoy hutton, but I keep getting messages from Steven Fry demanding a rimming. If it was Hutton maybe but Fry's a Class A.1. cunt.
Kind regards,
AHK.
 
This is a vile begrimed place. I will not stay long. It is very nice Tweeting from ones phone. Yesterday I was able to do so when receiving a depot injection of 50mg Zuclopenthixol deconate. Highgrade junkies, such as myself, regard it as a godsend.

Hello, Maroon. S. Fry tweeted me yesterday asking whether I had a recipe for Fruhlings Rheinlachs.
 
Yeah, well as I said Clarissa, he's a savage.
 
you signed up, didn't you.

F.S., sheesh! and (haha)
 
that mushroom cloud looks phallic.
 
All of you: the language...

FS: I've actually had a crap, sat in a dentist's chair and thought about norks all at the same time! Do I win anything?

Dr Maroon: like Mrs Sparrow, you refer to analingus. This just reinforces my view of you twitterers.

Mrs Pouncer: welcome and fuck off. (I'm not normally this rude to women - well, ones I haven't slept with yet, anyway - but you started it with your crass opening remark.) How did you know I was a psychiatrist, by the way?
Methinks your blog ID is a cover for someone I know.

Sarah: trust you to spot the Freudian subtext. The crater the explosion made is kind of canoe-shaped with a little bud of earth at the apex and a lot of wiry scrub around it.
 
All of you: the language...

And where the fuck do you think I learned it?

FS: I've actually had a crap, sat in a dentist's chair and thought about norks all at the same time! Do I win anything?

And you blogged about it... Did you win anything? Maybe you should have done it in Gaelic.
 
get a grip you cunt
 
In the best possible gymnastic of the word of course.
 
I'm a lying cunt, because I've just... ah, I feel too dirty to say it.
 
I'm a lying cunt, because I've just... ah, I feel too dirty to say it.
 
Ha! I knew you'd turn on, tune in, and drop out just like the rest of us Twitter whores.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to stalking Martin Freeman's partner. Don't ask.
 
If you mean that Benzedrine Cummerbund geezer, I saw him live a few years ago on stage in the absurdist Ionescu play Rhinoceros, and he was very funny. He played the straight man to a bunch of rhino heads. Great stuff, and it reminds me of the fun I used to have back in the real world before I got sucked into this sorry online shadow of a life.
 
If you mean that Benzedrine Cummerbund geezer, I saw him live a few years ago on stage in the absurdist Ionescu play Rhinoceros, and he was very funny. He played the straight man to a bunch of rhino heads. Great stuff, and it reminds me of the fun I used to have back in the real world before I got sucked into this sorry online shadow of a life.
 
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