Friday, November 03, 2006

 

Send 'em back


Now I’m as open-minded as the man on the Clapham omnibus, but allowing Romania to join the European Union next year is just asking for trouble. Before you know it we’ll have hordes of vampires streaming across our borders. It was bad enough when that earl or baronet or whoever he was landed at Whitby more than a century ago bringing his murderous foreign undead ways with him, and there was only one of him.

After I’d disposed of the last of the zombies* – which I ended up doing single-handedly despite my appeal, so thanks for nothing – I barely had time to draw breath before a new menace announced itself. Four doors down who should move in but a Romanian family, the Klavinses: Valdis and Anna and their two children, Kaspars and Monika. Technically they’re Latvian, but I’m not going to let a geographical nicety get in the way when the fate of the human race is hanging in the balance. The father, Valdis, was friendly enough but his name is a giveaway, containing as it does the name Vlad, as in Vlad Drakul, the grandfather of all vampires. So I started to do some detective work.

First I checked their dustbins, as you can discover all sorts of things about people from what they throw away. What should I find but sunblock, and lots of it. Granted, it was a hot July and the twins, Kaspars and Monika, were fair-skinned and only six, but really, you do have to wonder about such a fear of sunlight, don’t you?

Next, the little girl Monika came up the road one day to say hello while I was watering the lawn with the garden hose. I sent a stream of water in her direction and she ran away crying. Fear of running water? Yes? Do you see a pattern emerging?

After that I sneaked out one night and planted a six-foot tall wooden cross in their front lawn. I got up at daybreak and watched their house through the net curtains. Before long both Valdis and Anna were at the front door, staring at the cross. Looking perplexed and, yes, scared.

The clincher came just a few days ago on Halloween. At about seven in the evening the doorbell went and Anna was there with the twins, who were in costume, Kaspars as a pumpkin and Monika as a ghost. Ha! I went to fetch the special chocolates I’d prepared earlier and handed the box to Kaspars. He bit into one greedily and cried out and spat it on the ground. Anna hurried them away with a look over her shoulder at me. Well, well. The little undead bastard hadn’t liked the taste of garlic. Funny, that.

Today I went to Homebase and bought a mallet and a dozen lengths of wood, the ends of which I’m sitting and whittling to sharp points. When I’m ready I’m going down the road. I might not come back. If I don’t, please remember this message. There’s too much at stake not to. (That was a pun.)



*My wife and the police claim I imagined the zombie invasion but I know you believed me.

Comments:
Hee hee. Most of the time I'm sorry that my grandparents left Europe, but I'm very happy not to be faced with such a menace. W's enough.

Happy vampire slaying.
 
Peg one for me, Foots! Bloody suckers. It's a slippery slope, you know. You let the vampires get a toe-hold and it's only a matter of time before they're unionizing and trying to promote their undead agenda.
 
And we all know the undead agenda is an attack on traditional aliveness. Where will it end I wonder.
 
Wait! I suspect your evidence is not conclusive enough....it was just ordinary water you used to splash the infant.

I suggest before you stake them, that you boil a kettle of holy water and throw it on them. If they scream and writhe around, have at it with t'impaling.
 
You know, I almost agreed with you, our fair Island swamped with foreigners, but then I realised how old I was and how I long for a big influx of foreigners.
Come one, come all!
This shitty burg needs a good kick up the fucking arse. It's 2006 and we're still disappearing up our own sphyncters (sp?) worried about trooping the colour and Pricess fucking Charlie's ears.
For the love of Christ, let go! It might even be better. Never underestimate the power of plain humanity to...I'm pissed.
 
I know you were being funny.
 
I think there's a lot to be said for having more professional immigrants here. We could certainly do with a few more dentists round here, that's for certain. Judging by the teeth of these vampires (and I'm not trying to racially stereotype here, you understand), they really know how to look after their dentures.
 
Sassy: I hope your grandparents didn't come here.

Sam: taking our jobs, stealing our virgin daughters, demanding benefits for sleeping all day...

FMC: you're right, you're right! That's exactly what I'm saying. See, I'm not a bigot, and I'm sure they're perfectly nice, I just think, each to his own and so on.

Kav: great tip, I'll try it. I might also throw them off the roof and see if they turn into bats and fly away.

Dr Maroon: bit early, isn't it? And... funny? You've come to the wrong blog.

Kim: look, they have big teeth and sleep in coffins, and that's fine, know what I mean? Just not around my neck (of the woods, that is).
 
get em while theyre young, those damn dirty vampires. though, you know, they never really do AGE. but they get a lot stronger! It's like "highlander" only with pointier teeth.
 
Hey! I detect some distinct anti-vampirism around here! I, for one, will not stand it. I have been trying to get turned into a creature of the night for decades now.

At the very least, to make amends, Footie, if Spike comes around, would you send him over to mine? Thanks.

P.S. -- You can feel free to stake Angel. Repeatedly.
 
Now I'm not a racist but I think we should rebuild the wall that Hasselhoff tore down also hang up the Iron curtain again, open up the Maginot line up and keep out the dirty slavs and anyone else that's not directly descended from Moses (a fine protestant leader) get a sword and behead those vampires Mr Eater, they really don't like that you know.
 
Taihae: I'd tread carefully if I were you. Your gravatar looks a bit like Anna in this story, if she were wearing a catsuit, not that I've ever imagined it.




Sorry, drifted off there for a bit.

FS: I'm not a big Buffy fan, though I have close friends who have tried to convert me. Spike looks really, really gay on that Wiki site, though.

Mr Knudsen: you know full well swords are illegal in Britain, and it's grossly irresponsible of you to advocate their use. People lose limbs that way.


Oh... I am really sorry.
 
"Spike looks really, really gay on that Wiki site, though."

What are you trying to say? Make your point and get out.

I have faith that I can set him on the straight and narrow. Spike, that is. Who is not a gay character. The actor who plays him, on the other hand, is a flaming homo. Nothing wrong with that, of course, except for what I had in mind.

It took me a while to get converted to Buffy, too, as I constantly turned up my nose at it. But, once I was forced to watch it, I fell in love. There's so much going on in the dialogue, from arcane references to triple entendres, covering both sides of the pond, that I was hooked. I doubt that there will ever be another TV that is that well-written. And, if you've seen any of the actors in anything else, you begin to realize what a true genius Joss Whedon is, in bringing the absolute best out of these dipshits.
 
Ha. Imagine confusing ME with filthy undead freeloading immigrants. The very idea. Why did I bother to put up pictures? I'm just so misunderstood.
 
Fat Birdy, I thought Faith was in a coma after Buffy stabbed her with the knife the mayor gave her?
 
Oh, shit! I have a Romanian named Mircea working for me...
Along with his predilection for drinking stale coffee, smoking unfiltered cigarettes and then standing less then two feet away whilst speaking at me, I now have to worry about his possibly being vampiric?
I've met his wife, and she seemed very nice. But perhaps she saw me as a source of hemoglobins....
 
FMC -- "Fat Birdy, I thought Faith was in a coma after Buffy stabbed her with the knife the mayor gave her?"

Actually, the husband has her tied up in the closet. Although the coma thing works for him too.
 
Whatever the Home Office official policy might be on Transylvanians, and never forget Michael Howard was once Home Secretary and once Transylvanian himself, the truth is that there is a chronic shortage of qualified vampires in this country. The home-grown ones have either buggered off to Dubai in search of bigger red corpuscles, or are robbing blood banks here rather than do an honest days bloodsucking, they won't get out of their coffins for less than 18 pints of Rhesus B+ a day. Once EU legislation on portability of qualifications kicks in, a University of Transylvania M.Phil in Haemotology will be recognized throughout the Union and Vlad will be as prized as a Polish plumber or a Bulgarian hit man.
 
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