Saturday, October 07, 2006



Dear Mr Eater

Ref: your manuscript, The Drugstore Comic Book Incident

Thank you for furnishing us with the sixth instalment of your serial (more properly the seventh, as the episode titled Interlude is really an instalment in itself, as I suspect you well know). My colleagues and I feel we should remind you of certain conditions with which it is essential for you to comply if we are to publish the final instalment and indeed if we are even to consider publication of the entire story in book format.

1. Your contract specifies that you will include no more than three (3) jokes of a crude and/or sexual and/or scatological nature per instalment. In the sixth and most recent episode, we counted four (4) such jokes. Please note that we have drawn your attention to earlier violations of this contractual stipulation. Your response on those occasions, namely that ‘they’re the only thing people read the story for,’ was and continues to be unacceptable. Furthermore, the jokes have of late suggested an unusually high degree of fixation on the male masturbatory act. Please refer to our pamphlet, Guidance to Authors, specifically the sections titled ‘Variety - The Spice of Life’ and ‘The Pen, Not the Penis – Wholesome Solutions to Writer’s Block’.

2. The latest instalment contains a disquietingly large number of crass national stereotypes which could prove problematic from a marketing and indeed legal point of view. Please refer to the enclosed photocopy of the relevant section of the Race Relations Act (1975). We ask that you avoid such xenophobic caricaturing in the next episode. Also, please see our last memo as regards the correct use of ‘Scotch’ and ‘Scottish’.

3. Without wanting to cast doubt on your authorial skills, we must nevertheless express our concerns about the number of disparate plot strands and details that have been left unresolved or unexplained in your story thus far. It appears to us unlikely that you will be able to tie up these strands to the reader’s satisfaction in the one remaining episode, given your hitherto rather flexible approach to the concept of plotting. Please consider this carefully.

4. My colleagues and I are quite willing to engage in lively debate about matters of mutual interest with our clients, and indeed welcome such discussion as a healthy element in the artistic process. That said, your response to our memo to you last week is to our minds unacceptable. We feel strongly that your returning the letter with ‘You cornholing sons of bitches’ and ‘Bite me’ scrawled across it was inappropriate and unhelpful. Kindly desist from similar behaviour in the future.

Yours sincerely,

C. Gaylord Ramsbottom

Don't be discouraged, Footles! And never take advice about your fiction from a ram's bottom. Don't be bowdlerised by a bum!
Thats Karma Mr Eater, Old Knudsen is highly respected accross the country, no not this country I was talking about Sierra Leone, they are always sending me e-mails about lost millions, when I'm rich I'll buy your story, of course there will have to be changes.
Sam: I was going to ask if you'd be willing to lend your services to... er... reduce some of the friction between me and my publishers. Then again, they'd probably be gaily (nudge, nudge) oblivious to your charms.

Mr Knudsen: you really are quite a polite old gent, aren't you, always addressing me as you do in such a formal manner. None of this other lot have even asked permission to call me by my first name. I might just find it in me to rehabilitate you in the story.
I trust you as much as I trust myself to walk past a pub, it scares me when you go all nicey nice like this.
Then again, I might come up with a way to inflict an eternity of pain and degradation on your sorry arse, you ungrateful old fuck.
What the editor in chief utterly fails to understand is that the primary reason we all read it is because it has US in it. It could be the biggest amount of badly written tosh ever, but our massive egos mean that as soon as our names are mentioned we will be avid readers, desperate for more. If you were to increase the number of bloggers you know and tie them into the story, why you could be guranteed to sell upwards of 20 editions of the book. Guaranteed!

Not that I'm accusing you of producing badly written tosh, you must understand. Heaven forbid.

I love it. I'm a complete addict and cannot wait until the final enthralling episode. I hope my character comes out looking heroic, as I'm sure s/he will
‘You cornholing sons of bitches’

That's class, so it is.

Don't let that sheepfucker discourage you, Footie. I'm sure you would make an excellent writer for gay porn.
You wanna me to take-a them out? Dat it, Foots? Well, it wont-a be an easy job, you know. Expensive, capeesh? You wanna I should make it looka like an acceedent? I'lla show dem wordy pableesher geets, donna you worry, Meester Foots, I'lla showa dem aaaaall my charms, hehehehehe!
Sheepfucker? is she talking about me?any one of the characters in this story I wouldn't buy a copy, thats what cut and paste is for, I'm no lining Mr Eater's pockets, Sam,I think he wants you to rub KY over him and his publishers (strange name for his balls) to reduce friction.
Ther are FOUR jokes?
Ah publishers.
i thought "bite me" to be a rather appropriate reaction.
"Any One of the Characters in This Story"'s comment.. was entirely incorrect. i read every word of the first opera Dr. Maroon wrote and I WASN'T IN IT.

not all of us are megalomaniacs!
Aren't we?


Now THAT is an entertaining post!
Also, frankly, stick by your guns. Ramsbotham seems to get some kind of a sick thrill out of laying all this at your door, but for all I know he may really be a cornholing son of a bitch. Most editors are, face it.
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