Saturday, October 07, 2006
Ref: your manuscript, The Drugstore Comic Book Incident
Thank you for furnishing us with the sixth instalment of your serial (more properly the seventh, as the episode titled Interlude is really an instalment in itself, as I suspect you well know). My colleagues and I feel we should remind you of certain conditions with which it is essential for you to comply if we are to publish the final instalment and indeed if we are even to consider publication of the entire story in book format.
1. Your contract specifies that you will include no more than three (3) jokes of a crude and/or sexual and/or scatological nature per instalment. In the sixth and most recent episode, we counted four (4) such jokes. Please note that we have drawn your attention to earlier violations of this contractual stipulation. Your response on those occasions, namely that ‘they’re the only thing people read the story for,’ was and continues to be unacceptable. Furthermore, the jokes have of late suggested an unusually high degree of fixation on the male masturbatory act. Please refer to our pamphlet, Guidance to Authors, specifically the sections titled ‘Variety - The Spice of Life’ and ‘The Pen, Not the Penis – Wholesome Solutions to Writer’s Block’.
2. The latest instalment contains a disquietingly large number of crass national stereotypes which could prove problematic from a marketing and indeed legal point of view. Please refer to the enclosed photocopy of the relevant section of the Race Relations Act (1975). We ask that you avoid such xenophobic caricaturing in the next episode. Also, please see our last memo as regards the correct use of ‘Scotch’ and ‘Scottish’.
3. Without wanting to cast doubt on your authorial skills, we must nevertheless express our concerns about the number of disparate plot strands and details that have been left unresolved or unexplained in your story thus far. It appears to us unlikely that you will be able to tie up these strands to the reader’s satisfaction in the one remaining episode, given your hitherto rather flexible approach to the concept of plotting. Please consider this carefully.
4. My colleagues and I are quite willing to engage in lively debate about matters of mutual interest with our clients, and indeed welcome such discussion as a healthy element in the artistic process. That said, your response to our memo to you last week is to our minds unacceptable. We feel strongly that your returning the letter with ‘You cornholing sons of bitches’ and ‘Bite me’ scrawled across it was inappropriate and unhelpful. Kindly desist from similar behaviour in the future.
C. Gaylord Ramsbottom
Mr Knudsen: you really are quite a polite old gent, aren't you, always addressing me as you do in such a formal manner. None of this other lot have even asked permission to call me by my first name. I might just find it in me to rehabilitate you in the story.
Not that I'm accusing you of producing badly written tosh, you must understand. Heaven forbid.
I love it. I'm a complete addict and cannot wait until the final enthralling episode. I hope my character comes out looking heroic, as I'm sure s/he will
That's class, so it is.
Don't let that sheepfucker discourage you, Footie. I'm sure you would make an excellent writer for gay porn.
not all of us are megalomaniacs!