Friday, October 20, 2006


Fifty-one essential things

I’ve realised recently that I’ve been missing the fundamental point of maintaining a weblog. It’s supposed to be about one’s self, isn’t that right? Lots of you have meme-type entries on your own sites in which you list assorted facts about yourselves. A couple of you have emailed begging for more details about me, the man behind the mask; so herewith are 51 interesting and important things about me. That’s me, as in Foot Eater, as in I.

1. I was born in South-East London, but if you tell anyone I will find you and hurt you, and that's a promise.
2. I have some Welsh in me. I had some Scots in me too until they arrested Mr McTavish.
3. I have a third nipple which fortunately is hidden behind my ear.
4. My parents were liberal enough to let me play with dangerous toys like knives and chainsaws. In fact they positively encouraged it.
5. I spent a lot of my early years playing on motorways.
6. My first pet was called Roadkill and I peeled it off the M25 near the Chertsey exit.
7. I’ve always had a very good memory.
8. When my pet kitten Spike died, my father made a little coffin for him and a little hearse for me to pull him around in.
9. I still have both in my attic to this day.
10. When my pet budgerigar Violet died, we had to cut open two of our cats to find her.
11. I was so upset at her death that my father built a little jetpack for her to make her fly again, but it didn’t work.
12. My fingernails are getting a little long.
13. My father is in prison doing ten years for the irresponsible use of spoons.
14. When I was a child I created an imaginary world filled with fantasy friends and I used to spend most of my waking moments there.
15. Thanks to the wonders of blogging I have rediscovered this world thirty years later.
16. I have a habit of laughing during funerals.
17. At Easter the egg hunt at our house was made more challenging by my parents’ throwing the eggs into the sea.
18. My favourite music is tonal in character but can be of any genre as long as it has that certain je ne sais quois. You can keep your pretentious rubbish.
19. My favourite song lyric is this, from The Gift by The Velvet Underground: ‘Then she sank down to her knees, grasped the cutter by both hands, took a deep breath and plunged the long blade/ Through the middle of the package, through the middle of the masking tape, through the card-board/ Through the cushioning and (thud) right through the center of Waldo Jeffers’s head, which split slightly and caused/ Rhythmic arcs of red to pulsate gently in the morning sun...’
20. I lost my virginity at an early age but I seem to have found it again.
21. The most unusual place I have ever had sex is in a woman’s arms.
22. I never went in for doggy-style until I learned that it didn’t necessarily involve howling for hours until the neighbours turned the hose on you at three a.m.
23. As a teenager I dropped acid once and burned off three of my toes.
24. I've never tried illicit drugs, though once I swallowed an enema and ended up shitfaced.
25. I just saw a leaf fall from a tree in the garden.
26. I've experimented with fisting but I decided it wasn’t my sort of thing after barely a year.
27. My memory is excellent.
28. I’ve started to write a book of proverbs I have thought up myself. The only entry so far is a son of a bitch should be made to sleep in a kennel.
29. My next writing project is a Muslim version of The Da Vinci Code.
30. Sometimes I like to sit and contemplate infinity until my nose bleeds, before going to work in the morning.
31. I solved the Boolean problem seconds before reading the answer on Dr Maroon’s site.
32. Since the age of 13 I have had curious unexplained blisters on the palm of my dominant hand.
33. I successfully resisted family pressure to follow my older brother into business, but have lived in the shadow of his achievements ever since.
34. I have one older brother who is the premier crack dealer in Billericay.
35. I have one sister who is dead and lives in Cardiff.
36. I’ve just noticed some dust on the mantelpiece.
37. My mother lost her life in an unfortunate spooning accident.
38. My biggest ambition is to own a rocket launcher.
39. I am a committed citizen of Great Britain and I despise people who refuse to exercise their right to vote.
40. I stamp my individuality on the voting process by putting a tick next to my candidate of choice and crosses next to all the others.
41. I’m allergic to seafood – it gives me nightmares, and I wake up with bad breath and pubic hairs between my teeth.
42. I have a very good memory.
43. If I can’t have a rocket launcher then I’d settle for an Uzi.
44. Hurricanes depress me.
45. I snigger whenever I hear the title of Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl.
46. I have a morbid fear of Punch and Judy.
47. I don’t like Richard and Judy much either.
48. I’m told I’m very immature.
49. I have worked as a grave digger, a corpse mechanic and a park attendant.
50. I like to eat After Eight mints at 19h55 and point this out to everybody around me.
51. I’m convinced that if I stare at my navel long enough I’ll discover the ultimate secret of existence.


SafeTinspector is absolutely right. Please replace the current number 25 with this:

25. When Petal, my Rottweiler, died, I was so upset that my father took a course in taxidermy and in the nick of time stuffed her corpse and mounted her on castors. I stopped taking her with me when I got to high school because there were a lot of stairs.

Update !

SafeT is right again. Please replace the current number 12 with this:

12. When my pet goldfish Colin died, my father purchased a huge aquarium and swam around in it painted orange and using an aqualung. My first wife left me because of this.

Whose existence?
Very good, sir... I especially liked number 20. In fact I will probably pass it off as my own in the pub tonight.
Enthralling, encapsulating and entertaining!!
Now all the mystery is gone, just a deep throbbing remains.
"45. I snigger whenever I hear the title of Van Morrison’s Brown Eyed Girl."

And here I thought that was only me....

Have I told you how much I adore you, Footie?
After Eights are brilliant!
After reading number 20 I wondered if there were any problems we should know about following your recent marriage to Vampirella
I don't see what there is to point out about eating After Eights eleven hours and fifty-five minutes after eight.
I loved the spooning call-back, but felt you needed one more dead pet with extraordinary father compensation anecdote. Just a WEE bit bigger.

My favorite lyric (though you've never asked) is from the Indigo Girls.
I don't want what's best for you / because where would I be / when you found it

I know it doesn't rhyme, but I say it to my wife all the time nonetheless.
Being fisted while eating After Eights sounds interesting.
Wanna eet me atfer 8.
Philip: I mean existence as an abstraction, divorced from any individual human. You want to study your navel more, then you'll understand stuff like this.

Binty: not as a pick up line, I hope.

Babs: not egregious, then.

Mr Knudsen: give it a good tug and the throbbing will subside.

Fat Sparrow: do sparrows have brown eyes? Never got close enough to see.

Dr Maroon: if they didn't contain mint they would be.

Kim: did I call her Vampirella? Sorry, her real name's Virginity.

Philip: we're also assuming that time runs in only one direction and that the word 'after' has any real meaning.

SafeT: unless you are what's best for your wife.

Mr Knudsen again: you bring the mints, I'll supply the gauntlet.

Belinda: no, that's past your bedtime.
Damn, foot! Now you need to do ONE MORE dead pet joke!
In fact, I command you to dedicate a blog to your tragically expiring pets and your father's futile attempts at consolation.

And I know damn well I am not what's best for my wife. I'm not what's best for anything!
There. Now doesn't that feel better?
I can go for one of these all day long.
Damn, I musta been drinking, showing my ass and forgot that one. I'm kicking myself over that one! Shit!
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