Thursday, December 22, 2005


Anti-Americans eat horse smegma

You can't visit a blog these days without coming across some post or comment that slags off the Yanks. It's either a foul-mouthed, barely coherent rant or one of those snide, one-eyebrow-arched Radio Four-type smear jobs. Well, the people who make these comments are wrong, and worst of all unoriginal.
  1. War. So the US invaded Iraq and deposed Saddam, and those self-righteous pricks are in paroxysms which for some reason never gripped them when Saddam was torturing, gassing and otherwise murdering. Yes, the WMD argument was bullshit, but that mustachioed bastard deserves everything he got and is going to get. And it's not like oh-so-superior Europe is squeaky clean either - the French did unspeakably shitty things in Algeria, and it was fucking Dutch soldiers who stood by ten years ago when Muslim men and boys were being massacred by the Serbs.
  2. IQ. "Oh, those Americans, they're just so... so thick, aren't they? Pity the poor souls, and pass the sundried tomatoes." Newsflash, fuckheads: the British are stupider by far. Turn on the telly, especially the BBC, listen to conversations in supermarkets, go walking in the street, for fuck sakes; proud, wilful ignorance is rotting Britain from the inside out. "But 50% of Americans don't even own a passport!", you cry. Well, 77% of Brits who own passports don't know what they're for, and 81% can't spell the word.
  3. Comedy. "They just don't do irony, darling." This is the area where the Yanks are most vulnerable. Britain does it marginally better. But the US has better sitcoms - Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers, the brilliant Curb Your Enthusiasm - and the funniest and maddest Python, Terry Gilliam, is American. As for any other country in the world - Cambodia, Iran, Germany - well, the funniest thing about them is their accents.
  4. Culture. So what if people in Africa and Asia wear baseball caps, eat at McDonald's and like Britney Spears? I hate all three from the bottom of my rectum, but who the fuck would I be to lecture anybody on what they can and can't wear, eat and listen to? And US TV is the best in the world. There's a lot of it, and that's why there's a lot of shit on it, but the three best programmes in TV history - The Sopranos, 24 and Six Feet Under - are all from, no, not Britain, not Burkina Faso, not fucking France, but The Great Satan.
  5. Religion. The US is routinely portrayed as a nation of Jesus freaks. Well, they do take religion on the whole more seriously than we do, and I admit that I find this ridiculous and laughable. But why single them out when a whole slew of other countries - most Middle Eastern ones, certain East Asian ones and Northern Ireland - practise a far harsher variety of religious correctness?

The fucking bastards who spread racist anti-American poison in the British press are even worse than the bloggers. Some wanker in that vile piece of bogroll The Independent was saying the other day that America is 'the most homophobic nation on earth'. The sanctimonious cocksucker obviously hasn't tried cottaging in Saudi Arabia recently. The BBC made up a pack of lies during the Katrina hurricane about how black people were being deliberately ignored by the authorities in charge of the rescue attempts. Well, fuck them all, the malignant arsewipes. If the US had stayed as isolationist in 1941 as these fuckfaces seem to want them to be nowadays instead of bailing us out of World War II, we'd all be talking with a Californian governor's accent.

I don't even mind if people take the piss out of specific Americans like Bush. I have plenty of Americans on my own hate-list. What brings down the red mist is this blanket of venom about America as an entity, one that transcends the concepts of culture and nation. It's fucking racism, is what it is, and the vermin that peddle it need to be brought to book, and can fuck off while they're at it.

I really have no comment to make about this one. Of course one dislikes Americans; everybody does. It's a perfectly healthy reaction. You're only saying these absurd things to be "different". And why are you not leaping to defend the French? Everybody hates them, too, but because there are more Americans than French, there are more non-French than non-Americans, and therefore the French are more hated, and more worthy of sympathy, the filthy effeminate brutes.
You're turning out to be more interesting than I'd thought, Dr Helen. That post-modernist way in which your first sentence is totally invalidated by the next five ones, the precise use of a single blatant lie in each sentence, the utter non-sequitur in the last one, the daring juxtaposition of completely contradictory adjective and noun in the final clause... clearly you're a master of language and philosophical discourse.

You're giving me the horn, quite frankly.
I often have that effect on men, the unintelligent ones in particular.
I like the French and the Americans. Always have.
I am not interesting.
Oh, Foot Eater, you're so sweet! It definitely is rare to find someone defending Americans. God knows, I, as an American, won't even do it myself.

You're dead on about the religious intolerance, but you have to remember that Britain shipped all its Jesus freaks to us, starting very early on. They came here because they got picked on in England, and once they got here, they promptly became even more bigoted and intolerant than anything they had to put up with over there.

I was watching a show on PBS about Appalachia, and some fuckwit was going on about how it was actually one of the most religiously diverse areas in America. Somehow he seemed to think that 729 different types of Christianity in the region made it "religiously diverse." Stick a few black Santerians in to West Virginia, and then we'll see how tolerant they are, hmmm?

You can check out this for a pretty accurate summation of American religious tolerance.

Fat Sparrow
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